Wednesday, 3 November 2010

Identity crisis...

I have discovered a replacement for red wine for making me feel better in the evenings: a long, hot shower. Admittedly it's not quite as sociable.   If I'm feeling really down, or tired, or my leg's hurting I know that a shower will make things better. I feel as I am cushioned in a warm cocoon where there is no stimulus except for the shampoo bottles on the shelf. No distractions, I can just revel in the hot water and steam; and there is no point in crying in a shower because it all gets washed away.
A hot dressing-gown off the heated towel rail and then into PJs and that pile of washing up that I've been ignoring doesn't look so bad.

But it can still wait until later, until I'm in the kitchen anyway to cook tea.  Now I'm resting my bones after work.  Today I've been having second thoughts about stopping the DHC (dihydrocodeine) tablets because my hip and thigh have been hurting today.   I was talking to my best friend G about it, because she is also taking DHC for a broken collar bone that she did before Christmas and still isn't mended.  I always think of pain as being a sharp, stinging, burning, breath-gasping thing, not this continual, deep aching; so when people ask me if I'm in pain I tend to say 'no it just aches', which makes it sound like a pulled muscle or something.

Now I can't decide whether to go back on them, or just 1 a day instead of 2, or is that just making myself suffer?  When I came off them I was determined I didn't want to be on them; I even came across a study that suggested ibuprofen was more effective which I used to convince myself I was doing the right thing.   My doctor is away until the end of November, but anyway as G says they tend to say 'take them if you feel you need them' so it's up to me anyway.

Sometimes we just want someone else to make the decisions.

I was feeling this evening as though I have been turned from a strong person to a weak one.. not quite on the lines of Samson but I can imagine a bit how he felt.    I don't like being like this; I don't like feeling brain-dead after a 6 hour day, or not being able to face the washing up, or having to think of something for tea, or thinking I really should finish Chapter 3 of my course book but not having the mental energy. 

I don't feel like Me.


  1. Crap am I making everyone feel bad?

    I'm sorry that you hurt and I understand the low dull aches. After last night's post my knee started acting up and the mixture of the pain and my thought I couldn't get to sleep till closer to 3.

  2. LOL, no it's nothing to do with your post, don't worry! I hope you get a better night's sleep tonight. x

  3. Sorry you're feeling so crappy at the moment the downer could partially down to stopping the DHC. Its always the aching pain thats annoying as it seems to drain you more.

  4. I'm with ya--sometimes I just want someone else to decide. I get tired of having to 'be responsible'. Maybe that's just my deal--cuz then I tend to pick their decision apart to decide if it's best for me anyway. LOL

    Maybe I'm just looking for someone to blame? Could be! ;-)

    In the meantime, is this where I dare suggest that perhaps there's some depression/stress surfacing from this whole ordeal? That wouldn't make me real popular, huh.'s perfectly human to experience some of that 'I don't feel like me' stuff following events like you've experienced. Is that heightened by the current circumstances, the absence of DHC and the presence of achey pain?
    I'm bettin' so.

    Is this where I go back to 'be kind to you, go easy on're still healing in more ways than one....'.

    And loads of positive, peacefilled thoughts to go with 'em.

  5. Oh no! Quick check the mirror it might not be just wanted to make you laugh. I say it's time for you to visit one of your most favorite places, (probably a close one) (pet someone's dog on the way).....this is my medicine to you...and not a Salon to get your hair done, it's like flipping through glamour you have a book store, or ice cream shop or art store anything that gives your soul inspiration? go there and get lost, maybe you'll run into some stranger and chat so long you loose all track of time...those are the precious moments in life!

  6. My reaction would be to ask another doctor if yours is away. But then that's always my first thought - ask or google it :-)

  7. CJ: Yes probably. And it was as if the last bit of painkiller effect had left my system yesterday.

    Mel: I'm with you on all that!

    Karen: I looked in the mirror and yep, it was definitely scruffy first-thing-in-the-morning me ;-)

    Rosie: I don't think there's any point, they don't know anything about me. Mind you nor does my GP really, all I do is call her and say 'Please can I have more drugs and a new Fit Note'. I'm one of those people who only sees their GP once a year for an MOT. Although we did discuss a couple of months ago when the DHC didn't seem to be working so well, and she mentioned that was a symptom of it being addictive. But it was me who said I didn't want to take a higher dose even then.

    As I joked on Facebook, everyone's scale of pain is different, so it's really hard to describe to someone and them interpret it in the same way.


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