I have discovered a replacement for red wine for making me feel better in the evenings: a long, hot shower. Admittedly it's not quite as sociable. If I'm feeling really down, or tired, or my leg's hurting I know that a shower will make things better. I feel as I am cushioned in a warm cocoon where there is no stimulus except for the shampoo bottles on the shelf. No distractions, I can just revel in the hot water and steam; and there is no point in crying in a shower because it all gets washed away.
But it can still wait until later, until I'm in the kitchen anyway to cook tea. Now I'm resting my bones after work. Today I've been having second thoughts about stopping the DHC (dihydrocodeine) tablets because my hip and thigh have been hurting today. I was talking to my best friend G about it, because she is also taking DHC for a broken collar bone that she did before Christmas and still isn't mended. I always think of pain as being a sharp, stinging, burning, breath-gasping thing, not this continual, deep aching; so when people ask me if I'm in pain I tend to say 'no it just aches', which makes it sound like a pulled muscle or something.
Now I can't decide whether to go back on them, or just 1 a day instead of 2, or is that just making myself suffer? When I came off them I was determined I didn't want to be on them; I even came across a study that suggested ibuprofen was more effective which I used to convince myself I was doing the right thing. My doctor is away until the end of November, but anyway as G says they tend to say 'take them if you feel you need them' so it's up to me anyway.
Sometimes we just want someone else to make the decisions.
I was feeling this evening as though I have been turned from a strong person to a weak one.. not quite on the lines of Samson but I can imagine a bit how he felt. I don't like being like this; I don't like feeling brain-dead after a 6 hour day, or not being able to face the washing up, or having to think of something for tea, or thinking I really should finish Chapter 3 of my course book but not having the mental energy.
I don't feel like Me.