Sunday, 30 October 2011

Change time

Today our clocks went back to GMT here in the UK.. I managed to enjoy an extra hour in bed and still not get up late, having woken up at about 7.20am after a dream about being on a sinking Volvo 70 after somebody wound the keel too far (yeah I'm meaning a boat not a car).. I was just asking politely where the lifejackets were when I woke up.

Stepping back a couple of weeks, I saw my doctor for various things that needed updating, and ended up with a  'mild depression' diagnosis having burst into tears on seeing her, and us having a long chat.  Nothing I hadn't worked out myself really, I've just run out of adrenalin/seratonin/Mojo.   Not bad enough for meds (the first thing I said was that I don't want any more) and the prescription was plenty of fresh air and exercise, allowing myself treats, and not becoming a hermit.. ie. socialising.  I have never been big on socialising because.. well I can't be bothered with thinking of things to talk about. I told her about being a child and never wanting to go to any parties. And then not wanting to go home again (after my parents had made me go).

"Ok" my doctor said, "You need to talk to yourself like a 4 year old.... tell yourself you'll enjoy it when you get there. And it WILL make you feel better. Oh, and no alcohol."

I have been feeling better, with the odd relapse.   This morning I decided that I was NOT going to see what my hair looks like in it's natural colour, because that would mean I had given up and didn't care what I looked like.  My hair to me is like other people treat make up or clothes - it defines me.

So, it is currently cooking back to Red Passion.. in fact it was due to wash out 10 minutes ago so I'd better go!

Saturday, 22 October 2011

In a fog of social science

I am reading about social justice, inequalities and social policy - it's making my brain hurt!

I'm hoping that the Clarity Moment will come soon....

Friday, 14 October 2011

Bonsoir, toute la monde!

Pfft, the flight fine - perfect Juniper conditions: no wind, no rain, no snow....!

I am now sweating in a Paris hotel room on the 22nd floor, with the thermostat apparently stuck at 22C that  is hot for me) and of course no opening window - heaven knows how many people would fall out if there were.  But anyway it's a nice, comfortable hotel, within strolling distance of cafes, shops and - ahem - the red light district.   We discovered that when we went out for a late breakfast earlier!

I have seen two people who I have spoken/e-mailed to for the last 3-5 years but never met; one from Australia and the other from the USA.  That was really good to finally meet them, it makes so much difference to a business relationship (although many of my business contacts, some of whom I talk to on a daily basis, count as friends now).

In the bathroom of my hotel room there is one of those magnifying, illuminated makeup mirrors. Crikey I've never seen my face in so much detail!!  and I'm not sure I want to, hehe. It's also rather off-putting that at a certain distance away, you see your face upside down.

The weather here is fab - dry and autumnal but wall to wall blue skies.  Tomorrow we will be in our meeting all day but will get some escape time on Sunday, so maybe the Eiffel Tower will call....?

I hope you all have a great weekend!

Thursday, 13 October 2011

This is your Captain speaking...

Tomorrow morning at 7am I fly to Paris for our meetings.  OK fine, apart from the being picked up at 5.30am  part.  But this morning I took Django out for a walk in thick fog and started thinking "Oh no, what if it is like this tomorrow?".

You may already know that I am not a brilliant flyer. If the weather is fine, dry, perfect temperatures etc. and the pilot has a nice accent then it's not too bad, but if there are any negatives then I'm not too happy until we are safely on the ground. Well, the flying is fine, it's the landing that I hate.

So, if tomorrow morning is foggy again, but the airline is running the flight, would I refuse to fly?  Probably not.  After all, we trust the airline to know when the conditions are safe or not - they safely fly hundreds of trips a week after all.  

There have been psychological studies such as Milgram's which look at how we obey and trust authority figures, or even those we consider to be an authority figure. Likewise, we trust those we consider to be experts in their field - they know better than us. We trust doctors to know what they are doing, and we trust airlines to know when conditions are safe and when they aren't.  I can't understand people who complain because their flight was delayed due to bad weather or a technical difficulty. Would they rather die?

The other aspects which run through my head are - which airline is it?  is it a reputable one or a budget Sierra Leone one?  Once on the plane, what does the pilot sound like?  It's totally unreasonable, but we do judge people on their voices and accents when they are in charge of our lives, even though we don't have details of their skills.  I always feel safer when the pilot's name is Chris, simply because a previous 'Chris' managed the smoothest landing ever on a flight to Glasgow.

I do wonder though at what point I would miss a booked flight, through my choice. Would it depend on the reason for flying in the first place, and the importance of getting to the destination? or would it be down to things like some flights being cancelled and some not, and there being a general feeling of doubt in the air. And of course, whether I was in my home airport or half-way across the world.

And then there is always that nagging feeling that if I decided not to take a flight, people would be cross with me or laugh at me, or even worse be upset with me.

And that might be harder to take than the thought of a scary flight.

Monday, 10 October 2011


I have butterflies. Great big fluttery ones.

Tomorrow I have the psychological assessment for the accident insurance and I am ridiculously nervous about it.  The only reason for this, I think, is that I have no idea what to expect. I'm scared of what his questions will be and how I will react to them.

Next weekend I go to Paris for three days for our annual international meeting.  "Fabulous!" everyone says, Paris in the Autumn.  But I'm not a big fan of large meetings (40+ delegates) anyway, and I'm worried about not being able to squirrel away on my own (but my GP says I have to make myself be sociable!). Also, apart from the Brits, most of them I haven't seen since the crash. I missed last year's meeting because of it, so I'm going to have to go through the 'how are you' rigmarole with them. Not that I blame them, it's just that sometimes I'd like to forget about it and be normal.

So, my anxiety levels are teetering, despite telling myself It Will Be Fine.

Sorry that I haven't written the promised blog posts, I haven't been in the right mood for it. So they may materialise or it may be something completely different!

Saturday, 1 October 2011

"Lovely Lady? no, that's my wife"

Excuse me for sounding like a miserable cow, but what is the whole 'lovely lady' thing that seems to have sprung up on the internet and in texts?

"Happy Birthday lovely lady!"
"It was really good to see you yesterday, lovely lady".

Bleugh! It makes me cringe every time I see it.

There are a couple of girls I know who use it, and when they call me that I want to scream "aaghh don't CALL me that, it makes me want to vomit!"

I just wanted to say that, thank you.