Feeling bereft

I am feeling bereft,
Of inspiration
And of intriguing avenues,
Down which my thoughts might
Rush with the abandon of
A puppy on a new scent.

I yearn for text books,
Pencil notes in the margin;
Question marks where my scurrying mind has
Asked "Is it really as simple as that?"

I miss the challenge of a new subject,
The fear of lacking ability;
The new-found confidence in an area
Into which I haven't ventured before.

I am feeling bereft
Without my Open University course.
It seems months since my exam,
And how I looked forward to the break.

Yet January holds the promise
Of a parcel in the post.
How I now long for those words
'Educational Material"

And provoking conversations.

Work/study crossover

Last week's Americas Cup sailing tragedy, where a crew member died while training on one of the super-fast 72 ft catamarans, has brought up an interesting overlap between my work in yacht racing, and my degree studies on crime v. harm: I'm thinking about the self-regulation of high-level (and high finance) sports, and internal investigations into 'accidents', and how this could be seen as corporate crime/harm.

It's also worrying how (although we might all deny it) things like this can become accepted as a risk of the sport that the competitors knowingly sign up for, I have no doubt that disclaimers abound in the contracts. 

Would you go and work in an 'ordinary' job for an amazing company doing something you loved, but knowing that one day you might not come home from work? Do workers in factories have different rights to those enjoying themselves? What is the difference between company responsibilities in the workplace, and professional sailing where the sailors are effectively employees?

The AC investigation has to be completed in time for the racing start at the beginning of July; well, they wouldn't want to upset the TV schedules. So, don't worry everyone, the show will go on! After all, it's all about the money.....

And, as in car racing, some of the Americas Cup spectators will be watching in the hope that there will be a big crash; and that is a whole different question about human nature.

May already...?

Hello, yep I haven't really been here.  But not for bad reasons, life is good. And full!

My head has either been deep in an essay about Climate Change and how international responses to it cause as much harm as they are trying to alleviate (4000 words), or getting the classic car ready for its first hillclimb.  Oh and learning PR and how to write work press releases, and taking time to workout at the fitness studios which are my third home.

And now its May, and all my essays are in so I only (ONLY!) have revision to do for my exam on June 12th.  I haven't even set out a revision plan yet and do seem to have perfected procrastination. 

We did our first hillclimb of the season last weekend, Alex's very first time.  It's so good having something fun and challenging to do together, which is competitive but also mutually supportive when we achieve another 10th of a second off our time!  

I had to have my photo taken with the British Women Racing Drivers' Club sticker and the badge on my suit, in order to claim points towards their championship, so here it is for your amusement.  Mad hair day :)

This evening I did my first sailing club safety boat duty, and tractor driving (to launch/recover the boats) for three years.  I'd forgotten how much of an upper body workout you get with the tractor, it's 1964 and wouldn't know what power steering was if you mentioned it! 

It was a beautiful, if chilly, evening out on the river and it was good to get out and think about something else.

Brain issues

The last 'normal' essay I wrote was before Christmas, and I feel as though I have forgotten how to write one! The assignment I have done since Christmas was a Plan for the long 4000 word essay we have to do in April, so that was very different.

Assignment no.4 is due on March 14th and I feel slightly in denial about starting on it, but thankfully I have a tutorial on Saturday so that should help!

..........................

One of my work colleagues recently had a 'chat' with the boss about her production levels. Her response was to come into work early and leave late the last couple of days (unnecessary for getting the work done) and note down how much she had invoiced (we don't work on commission and this is irrelevant information).  I was interested how her interpretation of what would 'fix it' is totally different to mine. If I had been given the same 'chat' I would look at my time management and priorities. But I suppose that difference is the reason that she gets The Chat, and I don't.

Balancing act

Recently I have noticed that I have been spending more time at Shape Up Studios, and less time studying. At least, it feels that way.

The studios are good fun and I have unconsciously increased my evenings there from 3 times a week to 4 or 5.  During the week I usually go straight from work, unless I'm doing a 6.30 class in which case I go home first. It's my equivalent of going to a wine bar to meet friends, chat and have a laugh.. only more healthy and less expensive!

I thought that I was missing out on early evening studying time, but actually when I think about it Mr H and I spend the first 45 minutes after work sitting having a cup of tea and ranting to each other about our days at work ;)  OK it's not always a rant, lets say 'we tell each other about our days'.   So perhaps going to the studios isn't interfering with the studying after all, it gives Mr H some chilling/guitar playing time, and we still catch up on our day's news when I get home.

In the mornings Mr H takes Django out for half an hour for a constitutional, and I have started spending that time studying, and leaving the washing up until he gets back since I can talk at the same time.  I still need some longer study periods especially as I will soon be working on my next essay, so I will need to fit that in to my day.

I nearly wrote 'schedule it', but I wrote on Twitter recently that 'I abhor routine', and I do.  I particularly hate it in other people who can't adapt because they *always* eat at dot on 6.30pm and the dog *has* to be walked at 4.15pm. The mornings are the only time we do have a routine, because it works for us. In the evenings we do whatever needs doing and at some point remember that we need to eat.

Everything is adaptable to find the right balance.

Humans v. Nature

For my next assignment we have to come up with our own essay title, further questions that come out of it, sources we will use to answer the questions, and evaluate those sources.

On the one hand it's a bit scary, but more than that I find it rather exciting!  We can choose from the many different crime subjects we have covered, from corporate crime to state terror; people trafficking to cybercrime.  I have decided to concentrate on eco-crime because it has grabbed me as a subject.

I've never seen myself as a tree-hugger, but reading about it both in my course book and other articles has a) got my blood boiling and b) made me see how things link up between 'the West's' demands and the damage caused to developing countries and the natural environment.

At the moment (it will probably all change!) my working title is "To what extent do transnational relations and global trade affect levels of eco-crime?"

Today the sight in the 2012 "Wildlife photographer of the Year" portfolio of a rhino with its horn having been sawn off with a chainsaw almost reduced me to tears.  The things that humans are capable of and responsible for in a quest for money can be heart-breaking.

I'm off to see if Amazon sell tree-hugger t-shirts.

My brain is back in use!

It feels good to be studying again, my brain is clicking back into gear after a summer off, I can feel the cogs grinding and gradually working up to speed.

My first assignment is based around opium and its uses both legal and illegal, and it's a fascinating trip through social history. I now know about the 'Opium Wars' and more recently the 'War on Drugs', both examples of how the actions of people in power have influenced the use (and abuse) of opium and other opioid drugs (eg. morphine, codeine, heroin).

My tutor this year is a woman and so far seems very nice; I get the impression she'll be giving good, constructive feedback which is so important.

So, watch out for Crime and Justice discussions coming up on a blog near you.... that is, here!

Hummm

I tried a Zumba dance class tonight, which turned out to be an hour of trying to work out what she was doing and translate that into what my body should be doing, and mostly not getting it quite right. It was a bit like being thrown in the deep end, which I don't like.   I remember feeling like that when I started choreographed dance classes on the 3rd week and felt totally out of my depth; but of course once I got used to it, and started learning it, I loved it.  So I won't chuck this away on this one experience.

I used to do dancing quite regularly but not for 3 years or so, and I have totally lost that flexibility and wiggle.. ok not that I ever had much but I could shimmy ok!  Now I feel stiff and ungainly especially when comparing myself with the sylph-like teacher who was hip-swinging her way through the moves.  And my brain hurt. And my leg hurts. And I'm tired  Hummm I think it's time for a rest from the gym for the rest of this week.

I used to have a good workout routine going: Tuesday and Thursday evenings and something at the weekend, and it was just right.  Then a lot of the staff changed and the timetable changed and I haven't got back into to a new routine yet, so now I end up going more than I really want to, plus I've been trying out different things which is good but I haven't enjoyed them all. So I'm feeling a bit down right now about the whole thing; I must sit down and work out which classes I want to do and settle into a new routine.

I need routine now anyway, because my OU study books have just arrived, whoohoo!  It doesn't start until the beginning of October and the website doesn't open until 27 September but I can start reading. I must decide when and where I am going to do my studying... somehow I managed it with Mr H home from January to May this year but I can't remember how!

The final instructions have just come through for my next hill climb (and last for 2012), it's on the 21st Sept so I'm looking forward to that.  Mr H says he feels as though he should be working on the car! I suggested he went round and checked all the nuts and bolts in the suspension ;)  I'm sure Django will be happy to help him as always....

Before that, however, we have the Goodwood Revival to go to this Sunday. Rosie, bless her, has offered the use of their cottage up the road from Goodwood for Saturday night so we will make a weekend of it.  As this is Mr H's birthday present it will be a nice extra. We're going in the Imp so will be parked in the pre-1971 carpark, and have some suitably 'period' style clothes to wear.

Well it's time for a cup of tea, so goodnight for now,
Jx

Today

Today is one of those dates that none of us will forget: 9/11.  A date that will be forever etched in history as one that changed lives and the world as we knew it.

This post is not related to 9/11 as such, except that it is today's date.

For me today is a day for moving on.  The claim arising from the crash has been settled out of court, and that means that I can put all that behind me; no more repeating what happened, what I can and can't do or how I feel about things to solicitors and lawyers. That slate is clean and finished with and it feels quite strange in a way.

Perhaps this is related in my mind, but I have decided that I want to work on coming off the Dihydrocodeine again; this time I have Mr H here with me instead of 450 miles away. I hope I get further with it than before, I would love to be independent of it, and I'm sure my body and mind would like that too.

Also today my new OU course books arrived for 'Crime & Justice'. I had a quick flick through and they look really interesting; I can't wait to get started once the website page is up and running and get my brain working again after the summer break.

So, today is a different sort of memorable day for me.

AWOL but still here in spirit!

Where have I been?  nowhere, just feeling uninspired to discuss any burning issues... I've also been distracted by going to the fitness studio regularly, and preparing the Imp for my first speed hill climb which is this Saturday (that's motorsport, not hill-walking).

Re the fitness studio, I have been working hard and have managed to shift quite a few centimetres; at the  moment I am going 3-4 times a week usually straight from work, for 30-60 minutes.  It's been great over the summer and I've had quite a few classes alone ie. personal training, while everyone else was taking summer holidays!   It's going to become more of a time-management challenge in a couple of weeks' time when my new package of Open University materials arrive for the new year and I have to fit that in as well....

Talking of which, I have not posted since I got my results for this year, a Grade 1 pass Distinction which I was (of course) over the moon with. I'm feeling all fired up for next year which is Crime and Justice and will be pulling out all the stops!  I'm halfway through my degree now and just starting level 3 so it's going to get a bit harder.

As for the hill climb, I think I'm ready, the Imp is as ready as it's going to be thanks to my untiring mechanic Mr H (yes I have helped him with some stuff as well).  The forecast is dry which is a relief for my first event, since rain makes it a completely different kettle of fish.

I'm hoping that once my studying starts again I will have fingers itching to share my opinions, thoughts and discussions with you... it will be making the time to post that will be the issue!

J.

Progress...

Carina's comment on my post from a year ago made me think about just how much things have moved on since April 2011.

Mr H has been through various forestry interviews and possible new houses/flats to move to, and then ended up moving home so actually it was a good thing none of them were successful. Although it didn't feel it at the time when he turned down a really nice house just in case he got the job in a different district!  And his new job is brilliant... will it last? who knows, but as he said tonight "we'll make hay while the sun shines".   If it goes belly up in a year's time, none of this will have been wasted, just like the forestry time hasn't been wasted.  I know that our parallel life, if Mr H hadn't said about 5 years ago 'I want to go to college and learn forestry and give up upholstery', would not have been nearly as rewarding as our life is now.

***

In the last couple of weeks I have gone on a normality spree. Maybe it was the orthopaedic expert looking at me as if I was making up the pain in my leg, or maybe it was talking boats and sailing with a friend (that sounds odd, given that I talk boats all day, but this was related to pleasure not work!), but I seem to have switched gears.

Mr H and I having taken out the Heron dinghy three or so weeks ago, on Easter Sunday I took the Topaz 'Purpletrator' out:

It wasn't as comfortable, as there was very little wind so I spent most of the half hour scrunched up in the bottom of the boat, and hurting when I had to move!  But, I went out and survived and will go out again this weekend.   

I also spent an evening on Friday with a bunch of old sailing friends who were doing a regatta in Cowes, and felt rather envious of them because I wished that it was me going out on the water with them the next day. That is the first time really that I've missed sailing with them, it's the camaraderie and fun of being part of a crew as much as the sailing itself.  I think that I should aim to be out yachting in 2013!

Today I put myself back on the sailing club duty roster, although with some conditions.  So I'm back on the roster for driving a safety boat (but with a crew who is also qualified to drive so we can swap places), but staying off tractor driving duty for now (for launching the safety RIBs). Mainly because doing both involves a lot of running around by the time I have launched and recovered three boats. And I've said that I'll train as an assistant race officer as long as it's ashore, since doing it on the races that start out in the Solent involves clambering on and off an old lifeboat to/from a RIB, probably in a bit of sea - it's rare that the Solent is flat! 

There is a training day for race officers and assistants at the end of May, but I'll miss it as I have an OU tutorial that day; but the sailing secretary and I agreed that since I know all the basics he's just going to throw me in the deep end, so that will be fun.

Oh and last on my list (but certainly not least) for this month of getting back to normal is going to be a week in the Lake District, hill walking and cycling amongst other things. That will be really interesting to see how much the beautiful view distracts me from how much things hurt!   

And now I must get on with some studying, I have a review to write of 'Protecting Scotland's Communities - Fair, Fast and Flexible Justice', which my tutor said was very boring, but naturally I found it interesting because I'm strange like that...

Strictly....

No I'm not talking about dancing (for those of you in the UK).

This evening I am doing a mock exam question, which is part of my Open University assessment.  It's only worth 5% of the overall mark but is good practice, plus it's made me start my revision in good time!

So, Mr H is going to take Django out for a walk so I have an hour's piece to answer the question 'under exam conditions'.

Hmm, I suppose that means I can't have a cup of tea on the go while I'm writing?

Justice, or is it..?

I bought a Telegraph newspaper to read the other day, first time for ages as I normally hear the news on the radio.  I don't know whether it's the paper or me that has changed, but I found myself ranting at it over the headlines and the way the stories (are news items 'stories' or 'fact'!?) were written.

One such item was saying that the public (whoever they are) think that offenders who do community service get an easy ride. The paper did at least stop short of adding "....they should lock them up and throw away the key" - I guess that is more The Sun or Daily Mail style.  

I personally think that for minor offences, community service is a much better method than imprisonment.

1. the person puts something back into their community which they have damaged in whatever way.
2. they don't get locked up with hardened criminals and come out of prison worse than they went in.
3. it could be the step they need out their previous life, who knows.
4. they pay for the offence in work and the 'shame' of everyone knowing why they are there.

taken from the above linked article

Coincidently, I then went on to read an article for my OU course on Restorative Justice.  That is, when instead of going to court, the offender and the victim meet and agree between them (with a facilitator) what steps can be taken to repair the harm or damage the offender has done.  In some countries this method is used for crimes up to and including violent / sexual crimes, whilst in others it is limited to minor offences.

Yes I know that exclusion from society is a standard punishment, but with prisons full to bursting and the costs of keeping prisoners spiralling, I cannot see why 'the public' (many of whom are also 'the taxpayer' who pays for the prisons), can't see that in some cases an alternative method might be preferable.  Part of the idea of Restorative Justice is the shaming of the person's behaviour, within the community, and this is considered more likely to reduce re-offending than a prison sentence.

Maybe I just don't always think the same was as 'the public'...



 

A little knowledge....

When someone says to me that "Apparently, in 150 years time there will be no white people left in the UK", I am stuck for any response other than a) don't be ridiculous or b) who cares?  but part of me thinks that I should be itching for a debate on the matter, although debating with a racist and xenophobe is probably a non-starter anyway.

Now in my 3rd year of my degree, I feel as though I have learned enough to have opinions on such subjects, but not enough to debate them. It's a strange and slightly irritating in-between position, and as they say 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing'.  Also, what I know is only what I've been told - and who's to say that it's all correct and not just someone's opinion?   But unless you are the one who has personally done the research, I suppose that most knowledge is just that, a repeat of what you've been taught.

Despite all I have learned about class and inequality and social justice, when I go out I can feel myself switching back to my old self.  The prejudices and stereotypes which have built up over 45 years, based on what peers or the public or the media have said, are hard to shake.  But the difference now is that I recognise those prejudices in myself, when I see a group of people from the council estate and stereotype them into bike-stealers, I realise I am doing it.  That's not to say that I'll leave my bike unlocked, but now I understand more about the background to those ideas and labels.

It's very easy to get sucked into the common conceptions (and misconceptions) about groups and types of people.  It's part of the social 'lubricant' not to be the one who is always standing out from the crowd or disagreeing with what everyone else thinks. (So, how many of the others are doing the same thing and just agreeing for an easy life?)

I wonder whether I will ever get to the point where I see things differently without the conscious effort. And whether I'll ever be able to hold a debate with someone about contentious subjects such as migrants and the relative populations of the UK...

Global or International?

My course book asked an interesting question this week: "When you think of 'global', what does it mean to you?"   I hmm-d and haa-d and could only think 'well, worldwide'.  They then had a photo of the earth from outer space, and a map of the world showing the divisions of countries.

The earth photo represented those who thought of 'global' as meaning one society of which all human beings are members; no national divisions, we're all in this together no matter what language we speak, what colour of our skin or whatever.

The map, however, they interpreted as representing 'international' rather than 'global'.  In other words the world is made up of lots of separate entities and we each sit cocooned in our own comfortable (we lucky ones) country where we know what's what, and being separate from 'the others'.

Of course we all know that clothes we buy in the local department store are made in another country; and occasionally we think about whether the workers in those countries are exploited or just grateful for a job. Likewise with much of the food from the supermarket.  But still, We are Here, and They are There.

Even within our own nations, towns, streets there are the divisions of Us and Them.  The North/South divide of England for instance - no doubt there are equivalents in all countries.

To think of the world as a single, global society.... those links from one side of the world to the other, remembering that what you buy today was probably made or grown thousands of miles away yesterday... remembering that we are all humans... is not something most of us do regularly.

I am here in Phuket, Thailand surrounded by local people, but also a plethora of nationalities from Australian to Swedish to Russian. Partly that is because I am at an international regatta, but it is also the type of place that is bursting with ex-pats. After a while one hardly notices what accent people have; yesterday somebody asked me if I was from Australia or New Zealand, despite my very English accent.

It's a good exercise occasionally to zoom out of your life, out from your office, house, town, country, continent, until you can see the whole earth and remind ourselves that the only boundaries are man-made.

Action stations! Actually a nice cup of tea for me please

I've only been studying social justice for about 6 weeks, but already I'm feeling the disadvantage of being a middle-class, white, employed, healthy female. I have nothing in my day to day life to be an activist or campaign about.  Although that's not strictly true, I could be campaigning on behalf of women, since Mr Normal is - obviously - male, white, employed and healthy.

I cannot relate at all to those who are activists (and I know that people who read this are, and I am in no way belittling it) because I have never had issues or felt passionately enough about something to do so.   It makes me feel apathetic in a way, because people who do feeling passionate enough to campaign and put heart and soul into something make me feel bad that I don't.

The National Union of Students are having a 'student activism conference' in London tomorrow. It reads like a kind of market for 'things to campaign against' because that's what students do.  "Activists will have the opportunity to attend more than 60 workshops organised and run by campaigning organisations, trade unions and student activists from across the UK".  A bit like going to a university Open Day?

So now I can feel bad that I'm feeling cynical about the whole thing.  And I am a student but I won't be there.  Because I'll be at work.

Mrs Normal, that's me.

In a fog of social science

I am reading about social justice, inequalities and social policy - it's making my brain hurt!

I'm hoping that the Clarity Moment will come soon....

Surveillance... how do you see it?

I have been thinking about surveillance mainly because my course is starting off with it as a subject, and how it can be seen in different ways by different people.  For the purpose of this post I am limiting the word to mean police presence and CCTV etc., not all the other data that is collected on us which also comes under the term.

In my course DVD, the scenario is a large shopping centre in a relatively poverty-stricken area of Leeds (UK).  As well as CCTV which is constantly monitored, the centre boasts several security guards and a full time police constable. Security is very visible and the people interviewed in the centre said that it made them feel safe; in fact there was a group of people who went there regularly to 'mall walk' for exercise, as they didn't feel safe walking in the public parks nearby.

But I started thinking that if I went to a shopping centre and it was full of security guards, cameras and on duty policemen, I'd think that it must be a risky place to be - otherwise why would you need all the security?

A friend in the States commented on her facebook page yesterday (she knows who she is and I'm sure won't mind me quoting her!): "Huge police presence, as usual. I don't recall seeing so many green helmets and automatic weapons, though. I confess that has made me a tad uneasy just now." and it made me think again about the effects of visible security on the average person.

I'd be interested to hear your thoughts.  Does a very visible security personnel presence in a 'normal' every day public place make you feel safer?  or more at risk from some unseen threat?

Pfft having written a long letter to Mr H this weekend now I feel I have nothing to tell you!   So I hope some rambling drivel will suffice for now...

I spent most of the weekend gardening, and looking at bees.  We are suffering a bad wasp year with the little ******s hell bent on getting into our hive. Interestingly though, I have noticed that once they are in there they want nothing more than to escape, which is odd as you'd think that once in they'd sit and nosh on the honey stores.  Maybe the bees tease them about their odd appearance and they can't stand the embarrassment.

I overdid it somewhat at the garden centre yesterday, it's their fault for having plants at reduced prices and 3 for 2.   So I then spent lots of time planting (once I'd decided where on earth I was going to put them!  I also cleared the top vegetable patch so that is nice, clean, damp earth just waiting for some compost/fertlizer.

Yesterday I accidentally walked for two hours, I didn't mean to but ended up exploring and didn't have a watch so had no idea how long I'd been out until I got back to the car.  It did explain why I was aching quite a lot!  On the way I met some D of E teenagers hiking - we kept overtaking each other and the third time I saw them they were obviously a bit lost so I put them straight as to where they were. It made me realise that we never did that sort of thing at school, at least I was never offered it - or maybe no-one ever thought I might like it?  having said that, Mr H did it at his school and said it was really annoying as apparently they made they carry hat, scarf and gloves even on swelteringly hot summer weekends.

Spot the Dog!

So that was my weekend, oh and I have started on my course which is beginning with stuff about surveillance - quite thought provoking. I got the name of my tutor for this year and was disappointed that it is a man; the last two years I have had women tutors and got on well with them, I somehow feel that a man is going to be quite different. Well, I shall give him the benefit of the doubt until our first tutorial and assignment feedback!

My next challenge

I have started dipping into my next OU course, Welfare, Crime & Society, although it doesn't officially start until 1st October.  

It sounds as though it will centre around the 'entanglement' of social welfare and crime control and already I'm feeling quite excited about it - I think it's going to be very interesting.

I don't know yet who my tutor will be, but I hope they are as good as my first two have been.  I'm going for a Grade 1 for this year, so will be counting on you to chivvy me on if I am slacking or feeling despondent!