I never take a mirror camping. It matters not to me that I can't see what I look like when I wake up, and as Mr H doesn't scream when he sees me I'm guessing it's not that bad. When camping, I wear no makeup and don't wash and style my hair every day; the whole point of a camping holiday is escape from everyday life, pressures, worries, 'normality'.
I've never understood women (or men for that matter) who clearly have their normal bathroom / make up routine every day when they are camping - just let it go. Relax, stop worrying about what you look like in the holiday photos. Kick back and be at one with nature.
I know that some people CANNOT go out in public without makeup on and their hair perfect (or that perfectly messy that takes hours to achieve). I am not one of those people. I never wore much makeup when I was young, and now it is pretty much limited to mascara (only because I have really short eyelashes), and maybe some powder if it's a special occasion. Yes, I'm pretty lazy in the makeup department unless it is a really special occasion when I'll dig out some eye shadow...
Talking about hair, having been through the phase of liking the novelty of it straightened, I am now enjoying the wildness of curly, 'whatever' hair. It is freeing and makes me feel less like a clone of everyone else with a straight bob haircut. The only time my hair is straight now is when it has just been cut - and that is mainly because the curls don't sit naturally when they've been pulled around, dried, scrunched and tweaked. So I have a couple of days of smart, straight hair every 6 weeks, and then I revert to the 'dragged through hedge backwards' look, and just let it all go...
Showing posts with label Me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Me. Show all posts
Wednesday, 3 July 2013
Sunday, 30 October 2011
Change time
Today our clocks went back to GMT here in the UK.. I managed to enjoy an extra hour in bed and still not get up late, having woken up at about 7.20am after a dream about being on a sinking Volvo 70 after somebody wound the keel too far (yeah I'm meaning a boat not a car).. I was just asking politely where the lifejackets were when I woke up.
Stepping back a couple of weeks, I saw my doctor for various things that needed updating, and ended up with a 'mild depression' diagnosis having burst into tears on seeing her, and us having a long chat. Nothing I hadn't worked out myself really, I've just run out of adrenalin/seratonin/Mojo. Not bad enough for meds (the first thing I said was that I don't want any more) and the prescription was plenty of fresh air and exercise, allowing myself treats, and not becoming a hermit.. ie. socialising. I have never been big on socialising because.. well I can't be bothered with thinking of things to talk about. I told her about being a child and never wanting to go to any parties. And then not wanting to go home again (after my parents had made me go).
"Ok" my doctor said, "You need to talk to yourself like a 4 year old.... tell yourself you'll enjoy it when you get there. And it WILL make you feel better. Oh, and no alcohol."
I have been feeling better, with the odd relapse. This morning I decided that I was NOT going to see what my hair looks like in it's natural colour, because that would mean I had given up and didn't care what I looked like. My hair to me is like other people treat make up or clothes - it defines me.
So, it is currently cooking back to Red Passion.. in fact it was due to wash out 10 minutes ago so I'd better go!
Stepping back a couple of weeks, I saw my doctor for various things that needed updating, and ended up with a 'mild depression' diagnosis having burst into tears on seeing her, and us having a long chat. Nothing I hadn't worked out myself really, I've just run out of adrenalin/seratonin/Mojo. Not bad enough for meds (the first thing I said was that I don't want any more) and the prescription was plenty of fresh air and exercise, allowing myself treats, and not becoming a hermit.. ie. socialising. I have never been big on socialising because.. well I can't be bothered with thinking of things to talk about. I told her about being a child and never wanting to go to any parties. And then not wanting to go home again (after my parents had made me go).
"Ok" my doctor said, "You need to talk to yourself like a 4 year old.... tell yourself you'll enjoy it when you get there. And it WILL make you feel better. Oh, and no alcohol."
I have been feeling better, with the odd relapse. This morning I decided that I was NOT going to see what my hair looks like in it's natural colour, because that would mean I had given up and didn't care what I looked like. My hair to me is like other people treat make up or clothes - it defines me.
So, it is currently cooking back to Red Passion.. in fact it was due to wash out 10 minutes ago so I'd better go!
Sunday, 28 August 2011
Weeding my mind
I am feeling depressed about the garden today, I've been working on one of our borders and have made a brick edge to stop the grass encroaching (one that I can mow right up to), and have weeded and planted some new plants. Ones that are out NOW because all the other flowers in our garden seems to have finished by the end of June.
Because of my leg it took me three sessions to get the bricks down, partly because the soil was hard digging. So it's probably taken me a month to do what I would normally do in a weekend, because that's all I can do (and people still tell me I should be taking it easy).
I walked around some beautiful gardens this morning at Beaulieu and came home inspired, bought three plants at the nearby garden centre and they are perfect. My plan is to plant so much stuff that there is no breathing space for weeds. However, we don't have sweet little green weeds, we have brambles, and ivy, and bracken and really the shady part of the garden should be turned into a woodland glade because that's the kind of stuff that grows in it. Maybe after 21 years of trying to tame it we should throw in the towel and pave the whole of the SW corner (that's a joke by the way).
I need to turn these negative feelings into gratitude for having an amazing garden, that has so much potential as well as so much wild-ness.. How many people have that luxury these days? We could be stuck in a flat with just a couple of window boxes...
But I also know my depression isn't totally about the garden. It's about me. It's about being knackered after one hours of gardening, when even taking the spade back to the shed is an effort. It's about tackling it alone, rather than the teamwork of me and Mr H. It's about not knowing how long this is going to last, right now the light at the end of the tunnel is pretty dim.
I think it's time for a cup of tea.
Because of my leg it took me three sessions to get the bricks down, partly because the soil was hard digging. So it's probably taken me a month to do what I would normally do in a weekend, because that's all I can do (and people still tell me I should be taking it easy).
I walked around some beautiful gardens this morning at Beaulieu and came home inspired, bought three plants at the nearby garden centre and they are perfect. My plan is to plant so much stuff that there is no breathing space for weeds. However, we don't have sweet little green weeds, we have brambles, and ivy, and bracken and really the shady part of the garden should be turned into a woodland glade because that's the kind of stuff that grows in it. Maybe after 21 years of trying to tame it we should throw in the towel and pave the whole of the SW corner (that's a joke by the way).
But I also know my depression isn't totally about the garden. It's about me. It's about being knackered after one hours of gardening, when even taking the spade back to the shed is an effort. It's about tackling it alone, rather than the teamwork of me and Mr H. It's about not knowing how long this is going to last, right now the light at the end of the tunnel is pretty dim.
I think it's time for a cup of tea.
Wednesday, 20 July 2011
Got the Blues...
I've not had a good day and a half.. Today I had an afternoon of lachyrmation* and felt just generally miserable.
Partly this is because I am desperately missing Mr H, and I know that he's been missing home. Somehow knowing we are both lonely makes it worse.. I even looked at flights today, for this weekend, but they were far too expensive at this late stage.
I've been trying to reduce my dihydrocodeine (again) because I feel as though that's what I should be doing, although no-one (ie. doctor or consultant) has suggested or requested it. Over the weekend when I was away, I accidentally ended up on just one a day on the days I should have been having two; and coupled with tiring myself out driving about 250 miles it's knocked me for six, and it came to a head this afternoon. My leg's been aching much more as well, maybe those tablets are still required to do a job.
I was supposed to be going to my parents' for supper tonight as my sister was visiting, but I knew that it would make me feel worse not better, so I cancelled. I'll see them at the weekend instead. It's a shame that once one reaches adulthood, parents are so often *not* the best people to cheer up a depressed mood, not in the same way that friends can.
My self-treatment consisted of a large portion of chips from the fish 'n' chip shop (it was a 'small' portion, heaven knows what size the 'large' portions are!) with tomato ketchup.
Now what I need is an early night and good sleep.....
*the medical or literary term for shedding of tears
Partly this is because I am desperately missing Mr H, and I know that he's been missing home. Somehow knowing we are both lonely makes it worse.. I even looked at flights today, for this weekend, but they were far too expensive at this late stage.
I've been trying to reduce my dihydrocodeine (again) because I feel as though that's what I should be doing, although no-one (ie. doctor or consultant) has suggested or requested it. Over the weekend when I was away, I accidentally ended up on just one a day on the days I should have been having two; and coupled with tiring myself out driving about 250 miles it's knocked me for six, and it came to a head this afternoon. My leg's been aching much more as well, maybe those tablets are still required to do a job.
I was supposed to be going to my parents' for supper tonight as my sister was visiting, but I knew that it would make me feel worse not better, so I cancelled. I'll see them at the weekend instead. It's a shame that once one reaches adulthood, parents are so often *not* the best people to cheer up a depressed mood, not in the same way that friends can.
My self-treatment consisted of a large portion of chips from the fish 'n' chip shop (it was a 'small' portion, heaven knows what size the 'large' portions are!) with tomato ketchup.
Now what I need is an early night and good sleep.....
*the medical or literary term for shedding of tears
Saturday, 25 June 2011
Stuff you kid.... 6WS
Stuff you kid, sticks and stones....
Six Word Saturday
I walked into town today in shorts and a t-shirt - it's overcast but warm and I have a dodgy thermostat and tend to overheat. Halfway down the road a bunch of teenagers drove past and the passenger leant out of the window and pretended to retch in my direction. Yes they are pleasant lads around here.
So, a few things went through my mind:
Oh my god, do I look that bad?
Why do teenagers feel the need to be hurtful to complete strangers, just to impress their friends? there's no way he'd have done it if he'd been alone.
"I bet I look better than you will at 45, sunshine."
"One day you'll realise that real women aren't Photoshopped."
"Your legs wouldn't look that brilliant if they'd been crushed for 90 minutes - shall I show you...?"
Ok, my legs don't look the best - cellulite and not much muscle tone to speak of just now (but I'm working on that one). And they are odd, I mean not matching, not just 'odd'.
Six Word Saturday
I walked into town today in shorts and a t-shirt - it's overcast but warm and I have a dodgy thermostat and tend to overheat. Halfway down the road a bunch of teenagers drove past and the passenger leant out of the window and pretended to retch in my direction. Yes they are pleasant lads around here.
So, a few things went through my mind:
Oh my god, do I look that bad?
Why do teenagers feel the need to be hurtful to complete strangers, just to impress their friends? there's no way he'd have done it if he'd been alone.
"I bet I look better than you will at 45, sunshine."
"One day you'll realise that real women aren't Photoshopped."
"Your legs wouldn't look that brilliant if they'd been crushed for 90 minutes - shall I show you...?"
Ok, my legs don't look the best - cellulite and not much muscle tone to speak of just now (but I'm working on that one). And they are odd, I mean not matching, not just 'odd'.
For about 10 seconds I thought "maybe I shouldn't wear shorts" - very rapidly followed by "Fuck them, I'll wear what I damn well like, if they don't like it, they don't have to look."
At a flick of the points, that of course took my train of thought off to how much we judge what other people wear, and we women are particularly bad at this. "Oh my god look at her, she SO shouldn't wear that top, what does she think she looks like?"
Now there are some fashions which I personally don't like, but it usually isn't personal to the individual wearing them (except that they should perhaps think before following fashion so rigorously). At the moment it is black footless tights and skirts/dresses, and those stupid little pump shoes that no-one over the age of 10 ought to wear (in my ever so humble opinion).
I do think over the last few months I have become a lot more accepting of other people, maybe it is the studying that is making me think before I judge. As soon as someone makes a 'Daily Mail'* type statement I will be considering the other viewpoint, and even - if I'm feeling brave - voicing it. (*UK readers will understand what I mean). But it still needs work, there is something inside us all that likes to make ourselves feel better by denigrating others, whether spoken or unspoken.
Anyway, by the time I was walking home I didn't care if people were looking at my legs, it makes a change to them looking at my breasts at least.
Wednesday, 1 June 2011
1st June 1966
June 1966
Today is Juniper's birthday.
She is 45
But feels more like 33.
It feels like an age since her last birthday -
Her attitude is different,
Her priorities have changed.
(How often has she written or confirmed that date of birth
Over the last few months?)
She's in a place she couldn't imagine a few years ago.
Kicking the steps up out of that rut.
Life is different.
But good.
Monday, 25 April 2011
Stepping back from the edge
Just when things seem to be swinging along, something gets me down again.
I got an invitation to my sister's surprise birthday party, she's going to be 50. I probably won't go because there are too many difficulties including needing time off work and the fact that she lives 2 hours drive away... But just thinking about it stressed me out. Just my parents saying "I know they'd love it if you went". Nothing's that easy any more and I need to do things in my own time. And getting a lift with someone else would almost be worse - I'd be so tense by the time I got there, having driven the whole way in my head but without the controls!
I already have my first longer drive planned, and it will to see my brother and sister in law where things are relaxed, and if I suddenly got stuck on the way they would probably come and rescue me! Maybe a madhouse full of teenagers would work just as well, but.... I'm already making the excuses, I'm not going to go.
Even on my bike I've noticed my change in expectations on the road. I used to be much more casual but now I always wear my helmet and luminous top, even when it makes it a bit warm. Even when it's just 1.5 miles to work. The thing is, I've realised I wear them not only for the obvious reasons, but so that if somebody does knock me off my bike one day I can say "Yes I was wearing a helmet, yes I was wearing a luminous jacket". In the same way that now I can say "Yes I was wearing my seatbelt / sensible driving shoes / sunglasses" or whatever - don't try and pick up on anything to pin the blame on me.
I read that after a traumatic experience, a person's outlook can change from generally positive to generally negative. Obviously effects vary but that's kind of how I feel. Instead of somebody doing something stupid on the road being an outside chance, in my head it's now favourite odds, and it's up to me to anticipate it and avoid it. Maybe that is something do with the fact that there was "little or no chance" of me avoiding our crash (the coroner's words, not mine).
I'm attempting (not always succeeding) to pace myself physically and same applies psychologically.
Maybe I should get myself a T-shirt that says "I'm going as fast as I can...".
I got an invitation to my sister's surprise birthday party, she's going to be 50. I probably won't go because there are too many difficulties including needing time off work and the fact that she lives 2 hours drive away... But just thinking about it stressed me out. Just my parents saying "I know they'd love it if you went". Nothing's that easy any more and I need to do things in my own time. And getting a lift with someone else would almost be worse - I'd be so tense by the time I got there, having driven the whole way in my head but without the controls!
I already have my first longer drive planned, and it will to see my brother and sister in law where things are relaxed, and if I suddenly got stuck on the way they would probably come and rescue me! Maybe a madhouse full of teenagers would work just as well, but.... I'm already making the excuses, I'm not going to go.
Even on my bike I've noticed my change in expectations on the road. I used to be much more casual but now I always wear my helmet and luminous top, even when it makes it a bit warm. Even when it's just 1.5 miles to work. The thing is, I've realised I wear them not only for the obvious reasons, but so that if somebody does knock me off my bike one day I can say "Yes I was wearing a helmet, yes I was wearing a luminous jacket". In the same way that now I can say "Yes I was wearing my seatbelt / sensible driving shoes / sunglasses" or whatever - don't try and pick up on anything to pin the blame on me.
I read that after a traumatic experience, a person's outlook can change from generally positive to generally negative. Obviously effects vary but that's kind of how I feel. Instead of somebody doing something stupid on the road being an outside chance, in my head it's now favourite odds, and it's up to me to anticipate it and avoid it. Maybe that is something do with the fact that there was "little or no chance" of me avoiding our crash (the coroner's words, not mine).
I'm attempting (not always succeeding) to pace myself physically and same applies psychologically.
Maybe I should get myself a T-shirt that says "I'm going as fast as I can...".
Sunday, 10 April 2011
I Want More
So I came home yesterday from a fantastic week away with Mr H. I was well out of my comfort zone, in fact so far out of it that it got quite stressful at times. But all in all, it was a Very Good Week.
On my way home I was thinking "Right, here we go. On the way home. Back to normal."
But then I realised that I don't want to go back to normal. I don't want to slip back into the eat / sleep / work / study routine. I want more.
I just have to work out how and where to create that 'more' in my life. Just a few small things a week that make it different to the week before.
Now there's a challenge.
On my way home I was thinking "Right, here we go. On the way home. Back to normal."
But then I realised that I don't want to go back to normal. I don't want to slip back into the eat / sleep / work / study routine. I want more.
I just have to work out how and where to create that 'more' in my life. Just a few small things a week that make it different to the week before.
Now there's a challenge.
Monday, 21 March 2011
The permanent reminder
"Alive and Kicking" :-)
It's a reminder to me not to be complacent about living life.
The new (green) tattoo is only 2 days old so it has yet to settle in. The knots and butterfly I had done a couple of years ago and have their own meaning.. the new one is an extension of that.
Tuesday, 15 March 2011
Medico-legal
Today I got the letter advising me of my appointment with the medical expert for insurance purposes. I'd been waiting for it so it wasn't a surprise, but when I opened it I realised how much I'm suddenly dreading it. I know that it's for my own benefit, but on the 30th March I'm going to have to go through how the injury happened again, just has it had started fading. One consolation is that hopefully this is the last time I will have to.
Thursday, 27 January 2011
Can I go to bed yet?
I'm tired.
I woke up this morning and thought 'it's only Thursday, ugh'. But thank goodness it IS only Thursday from a work point of view.
I was in the office Monday morning, then all day Tuesday and Wednesday, and I'm going in today. Until we get this 'thing' sorted out, I need to be there. There are some things that just can't be done working from home.
And there's a big event on at the weekend which is why thank goodness it's only Thursday.
It's inquest day today - REALLY good that I don't have to go. It would take up my whole afternoon for what will probably be a half-hour hearing. And right now I need that afternoon.
The good news is that I got my TMA03 (psychological research report) finished and submitted last night. That is always a good feeling.
One small bit of achievement in a fairly rubbish week!
I woke up this morning and thought 'it's only Thursday, ugh'. But thank goodness it IS only Thursday from a work point of view.
I was in the office Monday morning, then all day Tuesday and Wednesday, and I'm going in today. Until we get this 'thing' sorted out, I need to be there. There are some things that just can't be done working from home.
And there's a big event on at the weekend which is why thank goodness it's only Thursday.
It's inquest day today - REALLY good that I don't have to go. It would take up my whole afternoon for what will probably be a half-hour hearing. And right now I need that afternoon.
The good news is that I got my TMA03 (psychological research report) finished and submitted last night. That is always a good feeling.
One small bit of achievement in a fairly rubbish week!
Tuesday, 25 January 2011
Not the most relaxing day...
Mel, you would have been proud of me today. I took Kristi my office elephant into a technical meeting today and he helped - it's good having something soft and comforting for your hands to play with while you think. Neither the boss nor my other colleague batted an eyelid.
I think Kristi will be coming to all my meetings in future.
Apparently, research has discovered that 11am on a Tuesday is the most stressful time of the working week. Well it certainly happened today, I got frustrated about a misunderstanding/lack of communication and my boss blew his pressure valve. We ended up in another all-day technical meeting today, trying to sort out issues. It's been a very stressful couple of months for him and I guess I just punctured the balloon. Ended up with me bawling my eyes out and having half an hour's time-out cup of tea and a chat with one of the girls, and the boss and I apologising to each other for being insensitive. I can't really handle stress or conflict well at the moment. In fact I can't handle it at all.
So, that wasn't good, but within an hour it was done, dusted and out of the way and we got on with our discussions and work as normal. No sulking in sight, that's for sure.
Sometimes just when I think I'm getting more back to normal reactions to things, something comes along and slaps me in the face again.
I think Kristi will be coming to all my meetings in future.
Saturday, 22 January 2011
What the eye doesn't see... or does it?
I've had a couple of 'palpitation' moments in the car.... the first was yesterday afternoon when I was driving home from the sea in bright sunshine. The sun was behind me and all the cars coming towards me were really bright in the sunlight. I don't know whether it was because I knew they were driving into the sun and couldn't see so well, or that fact that they were glaring bright, but I felt nervous for the first time in the week I've been driving.
The second time was today when I drove to the railway station at 7.50am, it's in the next town so there is a straightish stretch of road, which is a 50mph limit but most people go faster. I really didn't want to go over 40mph, and that didn't feel slow to me, but as it was relatively early and the road was quiet, I made myself speed up to 50. Yikes it felt so fast!! and then cars were coming towards me, and some of them were white... I really noticed the white ones.
I didn't get upset or have to stop, but I was conscious of being nervous and my heart rate rising, and feeling very aware of the feeling of speed, and the white cars but not so much of the dark coloured ones. And it was a relief when I could slow down again without thinking someone behind me was banging their steering wheel and shouting "It's not a bloody 40 limit on this road you stupid old bint!!!" And yes I have been the person shouting that, in the past.
One of the women in my class today was telling us how she had been badly shunted in her car yesterday, someone drove into the back of her quite hard. She said she couldn't believe how shocked she felt aftewards, and hadn't driven today but had got her husband to give her a lift, . And one of my friends said that about 7 years ago her husband was spun several times on the motorway in very wet conditions when a car clipped the corner of his. She said that even 7 years later, there was a noticeable change in his driving and just the way he 'was', when he drove now in similar conditions.
Mr H phoned me just as I'd started writing this so I was telling him about my 'moments'. He has mentioned to me before that since the crash he's felt as though the roads/carriageways are really narrow, and he has no space. He also notices far more what other drivers are doing and their position on the road. It's interesting how he has been affected slightly differently by being the passenger at the time. I suggested that maybe he has taken away a feeling of being crammed into the verge/trees as I inevitably hugged the side of the road just before the impact.
I think it's safe to say that our eyes take in far more than our minds consciously remember.
The second time was today when I drove to the railway station at 7.50am, it's in the next town so there is a straightish stretch of road, which is a 50mph limit but most people go faster. I really didn't want to go over 40mph, and that didn't feel slow to me, but as it was relatively early and the road was quiet, I made myself speed up to 50. Yikes it felt so fast!! and then cars were coming towards me, and some of them were white... I really noticed the white ones.
I didn't get upset or have to stop, but I was conscious of being nervous and my heart rate rising, and feeling very aware of the feeling of speed, and the white cars but not so much of the dark coloured ones. And it was a relief when I could slow down again without thinking someone behind me was banging their steering wheel and shouting "It's not a bloody 40 limit on this road you stupid old bint!!!" And yes I have been the person shouting that, in the past.
One of the women in my class today was telling us how she had been badly shunted in her car yesterday, someone drove into the back of her quite hard. She said she couldn't believe how shocked she felt aftewards, and hadn't driven today but had got her husband to give her a lift, . And one of my friends said that about 7 years ago her husband was spun several times on the motorway in very wet conditions when a car clipped the corner of his. She said that even 7 years later, there was a noticeable change in his driving and just the way he 'was', when he drove now in similar conditions.
Mr H phoned me just as I'd started writing this so I was telling him about my 'moments'. He has mentioned to me before that since the crash he's felt as though the roads/carriageways are really narrow, and he has no space. He also notices far more what other drivers are doing and their position on the road. It's interesting how he has been affected slightly differently by being the passenger at the time. I suggested that maybe he has taken away a feeling of being crammed into the verge/trees as I inevitably hugged the side of the road just before the impact.
I think it's safe to say that our eyes take in far more than our minds consciously remember.
Thursday, 13 January 2011
Ranting and driving (not at the same time)
Do you know what? who cares what people I don't even know think about something when they don't even know what they are talking about? But I know that whenever I write 'who cares?' it means I do.
I'm not sure that even makes sense but it is just another symptom of Facebook annoyance. When someone puts a cryptic status, and then their friends jump on the bandwagon when they don't even know what it refers to, for goodness sake.
And why do I let it wind me up so much? Because I think it might refer to a joke comment I made to a friend earlier today, I thought nothing of it. If she thought it was so bad she should have said so at the time and she didn't, but she did decide to put a status on facebook which may or may not be a joke and all her young mother friends are 'sticking up for her'.
Whatever. Why I am even wasting keyboard space on it? It must be time for another Facebook 'holiday'.
On a more important note, I drove today on the roads for the first time, which was cool. I have official permission from my doctor for short, local journeys, which means I can get myself to the office and back if nothing else. It feels so good to have another little bit of independence.
So, deep breaths. Forget about annoying, petty minded people and concentrate on stuff that matters. That is what I shall do.
Oh, and I'll take that Facebook holiday.
I'm not sure that even makes sense but it is just another symptom of Facebook annoyance. When someone puts a cryptic status, and then their friends jump on the bandwagon when they don't even know what it refers to, for goodness sake.
And why do I let it wind me up so much? Because I think it might refer to a joke comment I made to a friend earlier today, I thought nothing of it. If she thought it was so bad she should have said so at the time and she didn't, but she did decide to put a status on facebook which may or may not be a joke and all her young mother friends are 'sticking up for her'.
Whatever. Why I am even wasting keyboard space on it? It must be time for another Facebook 'holiday'.
On a more important note, I drove today on the roads for the first time, which was cool. I have official permission from my doctor for short, local journeys, which means I can get myself to the office and back if nothing else. It feels so good to have another little bit of independence.
So, deep breaths. Forget about annoying, petty minded people and concentrate on stuff that matters. That is what I shall do.
Oh, and I'll take that Facebook holiday.
Tuesday, 11 January 2011
Finding myself
I thought that for your amusement I would post some pictures of myself in various phases of haircuts/styles/colours:
Thursday, 6 January 2011
Trusting in ... something?
I worked another morning in the office today, it's nice having fixed days so I know what I'm doing and when. Up til now it has been a bit 'if and when' regarding leaving the (albeit chilly) cocoon of my sitting room and venturing to the office.
This morning I firstly spent an hour with the boss going through some software questions and discussing some issues; I really enjoy that sort of thing, it often gives the brain a good mental workout! Then we had an office meeting to explain the new software to everyone. I think it was a bit information overload for them, my job is now to translate the long-winded technical into everyday language and practical solutions for 'my' 3 staff members who will be using it. And then trusting them, which anyone who has been a manager will know is not as easy as it sounds!
News on the house front. I didn't want to count chickens / tempt fate when I wrote the other day, but Mr H viewed a house yesterday and put down a deposit on it today. It's the end of a row of three estate cottages and looks like it has character, and will be much more a 'home from home' as it's an older property.
The rent is almost 20% cheaper a month, plus it has two open fireplaces, and a small garden to keep logs and canoes, and for a Django when he is there of course! He should be taking possession on 1st Feb, which is 2 days before I next visit, so that will be pretty exciting. I'm not sure I'll be able to help carry the fridge-freezer just yet though.... (Although judging by some of the probably-not-recommended things I've been doing recently I wouldn't put it past me. I'm not going to tell you about them because you'd probably give me a good scolding.)
This morning I firstly spent an hour with the boss going through some software questions and discussing some issues; I really enjoy that sort of thing, it often gives the brain a good mental workout! Then we had an office meeting to explain the new software to everyone. I think it was a bit information overload for them, my job is now to translate the long-winded technical into everyday language and practical solutions for 'my' 3 staff members who will be using it. And then trusting them, which anyone who has been a manager will know is not as easy as it sounds!
****
News on the house front. I didn't want to count chickens / tempt fate when I wrote the other day, but Mr H viewed a house yesterday and put down a deposit on it today. It's the end of a row of three estate cottages and looks like it has character, and will be much more a 'home from home' as it's an older property.
The rent is almost 20% cheaper a month, plus it has two open fireplaces, and a small garden to keep logs and canoes, and for a Django when he is there of course! He should be taking possession on 1st Feb, which is 2 days before I next visit, so that will be pretty exciting. I'm not sure I'll be able to help carry the fridge-freezer just yet though.... (Although judging by some of the probably-not-recommended things I've been doing recently I wouldn't put it past me. I'm not going to tell you about them because you'd probably give me a good scolding.)
What is the significance of the staircase, I hear you wonder? well just that - it HAS one ie. it is a house not a flat/apartment. That is definitely a plus point for me. Somehow it doesn't feel the same when you don't go upstairs to bed?
I haven't even got to the original reason for this post's title yet... what I wanted to say was that for the last few days I've been thinking that I mustn't tempt fate or be too optimistic, and what if that house is no good, or someone else gets it first. But actually I think back and everything so far has just fallen into place so I really shouldn't worry. For instance Mr H getting the job he did; finding somewhere really nice to live initially even when living 450 miles away; even things relating to the crash (ignoring the fact that it happened at all). For instance if it had been him with the broken leg we'd be in dire financial straits by now.
I've always thought of myself as a bit of a pessimist, and still I do tend to think of all the things that could go wrong, especially if they involve my loved ones.
But the last few months I have come back much more often to thinking "It'll be ok".
Wednesday, 22 December 2010
Who am I? Where am I?
OK, what day is it? Thursday? No, Wednesday.. I think?
At lunch yesterday (was it?) somebody commented about saving themselves for Saturday. "What's happening on Saturday?" says I.... somehow it seems odd that Christmas Day is also an ordinary day of the week.
Yes I'm still totally out of sync. Every time I post on Beautiful World now, I have to pause and think what day it is, in case I'm trampling all over the Thursday theme (again).
Only about 16 hours til Mr H is home. Not that I'm counting you understand.... ohhhh no. This week I have been living on jacket/baked potatoes because all the food I have in the house is designed for two people and I don't want to waste eating any of it on my own. I think maybe I have been anticipating next week more than I realised...?
I couldn't be bothered to find a photo for yesterday's post, sorry about that. When I first started posting I never put a photo in, but now I like to have an illustration of some kind. Hey, just for fun, here is my very first post.
Today's is one that Mr H sent me last night, I think it is Stow-on-the-Wold but anyway it's definitely the Cotswolds. I love the colour that the streetlights, the darkness and the camera project onto the scene.
One more day of work and then I'm done; though tomorrow's work is going to be a bit patchy - partly because of the things I can and cannot do (as the database has now been 'frozen' for end of year maintenance), and partly because of my boys coming back.
I'm sure no-one will notice.
At lunch yesterday (was it?) somebody commented about saving themselves for Saturday. "What's happening on Saturday?" says I.... somehow it seems odd that Christmas Day is also an ordinary day of the week.
Yes I'm still totally out of sync. Every time I post on Beautiful World now, I have to pause and think what day it is, in case I'm trampling all over the Thursday theme (again).
Only about 16 hours til Mr H is home. Not that I'm counting you understand.... ohhhh no. This week I have been living on jacket/baked potatoes because all the food I have in the house is designed for two people and I don't want to waste eating any of it on my own. I think maybe I have been anticipating next week more than I realised...?
I couldn't be bothered to find a photo for yesterday's post, sorry about that. When I first started posting I never put a photo in, but now I like to have an illustration of some kind. Hey, just for fun, here is my very first post.
Today's is one that Mr H sent me last night, I think it is Stow-on-the-Wold but anyway it's definitely the Cotswolds. I love the colour that the streetlights, the darkness and the camera project onto the scene.
One more day of work and then I'm done; though tomorrow's work is going to be a bit patchy - partly because of the things I can and cannot do (as the database has now been 'frozen' for end of year maintenance), and partly because of my boys coming back.
I'm sure no-one will notice.
Friday, 17 December 2010
Catch up
Sorry, it's been an 'interesting' week with work and my head has been full of that so nothing to post here! And it's ongoing so if I'm a bit 'dot-and-carry-one' (as my boss puts it) over the next few days, that's why.
I have realised the similarities between some aspects of my work and designing a psychology experiment. In both there are a lot of 'what if' questions to ask ourselves. At work it revolves round rule-writing or programming - watching for loopholes, or odd boats that won't fit, or the way others will intepret it, or a myriad of other things. It's a part of work which can be really frustrating, but I enjoy. Similarly with psychological studies there are the Confounding Variables which will mess up the results.
On another subject, I got the latest 4 x-rays on disk so I have updated the x-rays page. They look fairly similar except for the fact that the bone-coloured areas are growing! Still I looked at them and though "Why the hell was I even thinking about driving?". This is one of them:
I have told my boss that the full days in the office aren't working; they were really an experiment so that's fine. They involve so much stimulation, and getting up and down to see people and discuss things, that for that evening and the whole of the next day I feel exhausted and emotional. It's just not worth it. So I've suggested 3 half-days a week (starting after the New Year); anyway it's not as though I'm not working while I'm here at home, in fact I'm probably doing more.
Today I am going in for a lunchtime meeting about some technical stuff so will be there for the afternoon. Then I need to set to some studying reading this weekend. Christmas is all done and bought and there is no more money left so I won't be going near any shops! Just counting down to Thursday when Mr H gets home :-)
I have realised the similarities between some aspects of my work and designing a psychology experiment. In both there are a lot of 'what if' questions to ask ourselves. At work it revolves round rule-writing or programming - watching for loopholes, or odd boats that won't fit, or the way others will intepret it, or a myriad of other things. It's a part of work which can be really frustrating, but I enjoy. Similarly with psychological studies there are the Confounding Variables which will mess up the results.
On another subject, I got the latest 4 x-rays on disk so I have updated the x-rays page. They look fairly similar except for the fact that the bone-coloured areas are growing! Still I looked at them and though "Why the hell was I even thinking about driving?". This is one of them:
Today I am going in for a lunchtime meeting about some technical stuff so will be there for the afternoon. Then I need to set to some studying reading this weekend. Christmas is all done and bought and there is no more money left so I won't be going near any shops! Just counting down to Thursday when Mr H gets home :-)
Tuesday, 14 December 2010
Delegating and crossing the road
OK, I have had to have a rethink about this working business... the last couple of days I've been feeling very emotional, tired, teary; and if anyone is nice to me (which everyone is!) then it make it worse! The Whys and Wherefores I think are a combination of lots of things:
I used to be totally useless at delegation. It probably stems from the fact that for 12 years I was alone doing my job, so I did everything. I helped design the systems and how things were done, and I had my methods for getting the work done. In 1997 when I ended up on anti-depressants, the boss realised we needed more staff. Now there are 4 of us doing what I was doing, and I have had to Let Go and let people get on with it, and make their own mistakes... It's difficult, relinquishing something that you have built up yourself over so many years.
Partly it is a control thing, of course; but partly it is the feeling that 'if you want a job done properly, do it yourself'. Not saying I'm perfect, far from it, but it frustrates the hell out of me when people make careless mistakes. It begs the question, if you put safeguards in to prevent mistakes, does it stop people thinking for themselves so they switch off more, and hence make more mistakes?
So, yes learning delegation has been hard for me, but I have been getting better at it. The accident was in fact good for the office - people were forced to do things they would normally just ask me for; and it has also prompted us to make sure more people knew about various systems, rather than just one person. It has made me much more relaxed about my work, all part of the same shift in priorities which both Mr H and I have experienced since June 27th.
Recently, when I have been walking about a bit more, I've realised how difficult crossing the road is now; I mean in places where there isn't a pedestrian crossing. Now that I can't stride across quickly and time it perfectly between cars - I have to leave loads of time to walk across slowly and not risk tripping over in my rush. Yesterday I had to wait for ages to cross the main road, before I was happy there was enough time.
But yes, I have been known to delegate crossing the road to somebody else, if the post box is on the other side!
- Missing Mr H
- Christmas and all the little things and arrangements connected with it.
- End of the year at work - so many things that need doing before the New Year
- Going into the office for full days - I am having to rethink that one.
I used to be totally useless at delegation. It probably stems from the fact that for 12 years I was alone doing my job, so I did everything. I helped design the systems and how things were done, and I had my methods for getting the work done. In 1997 when I ended up on anti-depressants, the boss realised we needed more staff. Now there are 4 of us doing what I was doing, and I have had to Let Go and let people get on with it, and make their own mistakes... It's difficult, relinquishing something that you have built up yourself over so many years.
Partly it is a control thing, of course; but partly it is the feeling that 'if you want a job done properly, do it yourself'. Not saying I'm perfect, far from it, but it frustrates the hell out of me when people make careless mistakes. It begs the question, if you put safeguards in to prevent mistakes, does it stop people thinking for themselves so they switch off more, and hence make more mistakes?
So, yes learning delegation has been hard for me, but I have been getting better at it. The accident was in fact good for the office - people were forced to do things they would normally just ask me for; and it has also prompted us to make sure more people knew about various systems, rather than just one person. It has made me much more relaxed about my work, all part of the same shift in priorities which both Mr H and I have experienced since June 27th.
But yes, I have been known to delegate crossing the road to somebody else, if the post box is on the other side!
Monday, 6 December 2010
The Leg - update!
5 months since the crash:
Hi, well I went for x-rays this morning. The last ones were 2 months ago, when I was told I could progress from non-weight bearing to 30% bodyweight, and that I could be on one crutch by now as long as it didn't hurt too much. That's pretty much what I've been doing, and using one crutch indoors, but two if I need to walk any distance.
Today's x-rays looked really good. I'm not sure how to describe it but there is callus/bone all the way down my femur now, if you see what I mean, no gaps. All the screws are still where they should be and the nail is still straight!
I saw a young-ish Registrar, who seemed to have more time than the consultants I normally see, and took the trouble to see how far my knee would bend (good), and how much strength my thigh muscles had. He got the x-rays up on the screen and referred back to the prevoius ones for comparison, and explained everything really clearly.
Instructions now are to put an increasing amount of weight on it over the next 3 months, as much as I feel it can take; but still with the support of one crutch to start with.
I asked about driving: but apparently this question is not up to them but up to the insurance company, and someone else I forget. The braking foot is the important bit, and the basic question is: if I was involved in an incident, could I stand up in front of a judge and swear that I was in complete control of the vehicle? Obviously at the moment, no; apart from anything else, I'd be thinking about my leg and not concentrating properly. He said that I'm not going to be driving for the next three months, which is a nuisance but it's not worth the risk, is it?
So that's where I am now, and my next appointment isn't for 3 months ie. the the beginning of March. I will post the latest x-rays when I have them!
While I was waiting I met a girl in her late 20s who was on my ward for a couple of days, so we had a good chat. She had what I thought was a cracked pelvis which sounded like it would heal quickly; but evidently not since she is still being x-rayed and using a crutch 5 months later. I don't think it was quite as simple as it sounded when she first described it to me. Anyway, she did it just tripping over on a pavement, which must be really depressing.
Hi, well I went for x-rays this morning. The last ones were 2 months ago, when I was told I could progress from non-weight bearing to 30% bodyweight, and that I could be on one crutch by now as long as it didn't hurt too much. That's pretty much what I've been doing, and using one crutch indoors, but two if I need to walk any distance.
Today's x-rays looked really good. I'm not sure how to describe it but there is callus/bone all the way down my femur now, if you see what I mean, no gaps. All the screws are still where they should be and the nail is still straight!
I saw a young-ish Registrar, who seemed to have more time than the consultants I normally see, and took the trouble to see how far my knee would bend (good), and how much strength my thigh muscles had. He got the x-rays up on the screen and referred back to the prevoius ones for comparison, and explained everything really clearly.
Instructions now are to put an increasing amount of weight on it over the next 3 months, as much as I feel it can take; but still with the support of one crutch to start with.
I asked about driving: but apparently this question is not up to them but up to the insurance company, and someone else I forget. The braking foot is the important bit, and the basic question is: if I was involved in an incident, could I stand up in front of a judge and swear that I was in complete control of the vehicle? Obviously at the moment, no; apart from anything else, I'd be thinking about my leg and not concentrating properly. He said that I'm not going to be driving for the next three months, which is a nuisance but it's not worth the risk, is it?
So that's where I am now, and my next appointment isn't for 3 months ie. the the beginning of March. I will post the latest x-rays when I have them!
****
While I was waiting I met a girl in her late 20s who was on my ward for a couple of days, so we had a good chat. She had what I thought was a cracked pelvis which sounded like it would heal quickly; but evidently not since she is still being x-rayed and using a crutch 5 months later. I don't think it was quite as simple as it sounded when she first described it to me. Anyway, she did it just tripping over on a pavement, which must be really depressing.
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