I have told the friend that I wish she'd told me she was annoyed, rather than being passive-aggressive via Facebook. Well I didn't actually mention the passive-aggressive part, but that's what it is. Which brings me on to a different subject - people who hold grudges.
I am not a grudge-holder. If something goes wrong in a friendship or work relationship (or even worse those that involve both), I just want to get it sorted out and move on. I can't stand festering atmospheres or ongoing sulks. In general I just want to get on with people, and if it gets to the point where I simply can't get on with them, then I just stay away from them as much as possible.
If someone gets the hump with me for some minor reason, I just want to say "What? what is the matter? What have I done this time? Let's sort this out, now!" But, some people enjoy holding grudges and having the hump, and sulking, and not talking to people for days/weeks/months. They'll say things like "how can you just brush that off like that?" Because life's too short to waste on it, that's why.
We're all human, we make mistakes. We say the wrong thing at the wrong time, or we don't say the right thing at the right time, because maybe we're thinking about something else or there's a crisis going on which is taking up all our thinking space. To that other person it is huge thing, while you don't even realise you have done/not done it. You are thoughtless and heartless not to have made that first thing on your mind. And even if you've already said 'thank you' or 'congratulations' or 'sorry' you still have to say it or mention it for the next 5 times you meet them, otherwise you are rude and back on the Hump list.
And because I hate the brewing atmosphere I end up being the one to apologise, which I'm sure labels me the one who is perpetually in the wrong, even if the problem is them getting things totally out of proportion.
I thought friendship was supposed to be pleasurable and relaxing, but sometimes it can be really hard work.
i couldn't agree with you more
ReplyDeleteI couldn't have said it better myself.
ReplyDeleteAgreed. And they aren't true friends if they hold grudges. I learned that the hard way.
ReplyDeletehttp://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com
Okay two movies come to mind here, one and it's your favorite too I think..."fester, fester, fester!" I loved that line with Meg Ryan in French Kiss...then remember now this is an oldie, "Love means never having to say your sorry!" it's from Love Story with Ryan O'Neill!
ReplyDeleteKaren: Oh yes French Kiss is one of my favourites, I remember that scene ;-) Hmm,
ReplyDeleteThe other I've never really agreed with though.. (although I haven't seen the film, so don't know the context). I'd slightly amend it to "Love means only having to say you're sorry once for each transgression".
J.
I think it's cool you've learned some things in life that other's haven't come to grasp yet. And I think being an example of having different is somethings a cumbersome thing. The good news is you don't have to join 'em!
ReplyDeleteI'm not about the drama--though I'm not above it on occasion. (imperfect me!) I'm a 'problem/solution' kinda gal. Too much energy and life IS too short to spend it on resentments and petty angers.
I just have to remember what's petty to me is hugely important to others.
And it's not a huge thing for me to say 'I'm sorry'....today.
HELL coulda froze over before I'd say those words once-upon-a-time. LOL I did NOT like the humility one iota.
Funny....I rely on that humility now. :-)
Mel, you mean you didn't used to apologise when someone stood on your foot? ;-)
ReplyDeleteI'll be the first to apologise when I'm in the wrong; some people will *never* apologise, presumably for the same reason as you say you wouldn't before, it's a matter of pride?
Apologising when appropriate goes along with my other bugbear which is 'taking responsibility for yourself' which I think we've discussed on here before. Oh but then there are the people who continually stuff up and think that saying 'sorry' each time means they don't need to work on that... I won't go there!
J.
Grudges are SO annoying!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd somehow, EVERYBODY around me who I called friends are these "love to hold a grudge so you have to feel bad" people!
So most of the time I say sorry for things I don't even know, just that they quit going on my nerves.
Until the day I feel like kicking them for that shi*!