The pain of empathy

Tonight I had a reminder of why I stopped looking at facebook.   As I mentioned in my previous post my only weakness - I say 'weakness', it's only been twice in the last fortnight! - is to look at Lazlo's breeder's page to see her dogs.   So I had a look tonight and one of her posts included comments about one of her dogs having lost her on the beach for 30 minutes, which any dog owner will tell you feels like 30 hours.   Now my empathy response has kicked in and I recognise the feeling as one I have not been having for the last two weeks. 

For me, empathy with negative experiences usually manifests itself as anxiety, faster heart rate, even a feeling of panic as my brain imagines or remembers being in a similar situation. 

My empathy can relate to anything - I get it when one of my friends has to have their dog put down; if a friend loses a parent; if I imagine how Mr H must have been feeling at our RTA, or if I see an ambulance - that relates both to our RTA and to watching my father taken away in one (he survived); I get it when someone has a disappointing experience, one that I could easily have had.  It has differing levels of symptoms depending on the context but it nearly always feels unpleasant.  (You probably noticed that I mentioned the loss of  a dog before the loss of a parent, because it happens more often; and I've experienced the former three times, and the latter only once).

I now realise how many things on social media are liable to trigger this empathetic anxiety, and it has made me even more determined to do my mental state a favour and stay off it.

Lazlo and his brothers and sisters.

Switch off and tune in

Two weeks ago I was so wound up by a post that a friend shared on facebook (one of those incessant do-gooder preachy articles) that I deleted the facebook app off my smartphone.   It felt good, but I knew that a) I've done that before and put it back on the next day and b) I still had the facebook account and could access it from my iPad or laptop and c) I didn't want to delete my account because I run a page for our motorsport and also one for my work. 

However, the effect that simply removing the app from my smartphone had has been eye-opening.  Over the last two weeks the only time I've been on to my personal facebook profile has been to 'unfriend' a lot of acquaintances (so many that the word 'friend' started looking as though it was mis-spelled), change some privacy settings and delete a lot of my 'about' information.  I did consciously look at our Pointer's breeder's page once simply because I love her dogs, but there was no scrolling, no newsfeed, I just had a quick look and then closed it.  I found that I can still use the Pages app to maintain our motorsport page without temptation to stray to other bits of facebook while updating it. 

So what are those eye-opening effects have I noticed from my abstention from browsing other people's lives and opinions?

• I feel generally more relaxed
• That underlying tension that simmered along in my life has gone
• I have more time for reading that pile of books that I have collected 
• I feel more present in the moment rather than wondering if there's anything worth checking out online
• I am more focussed with tasks generally, either at home or at work
• I am more tuned-in and engaged when having conversations
• I 'have time' for 10 minutes meditation (with Headspace) before work; and if I feel that I don't, then I make time
• And hey, I have time to write a blog post! Maybe I'll do more, who knows. Or maybe not.

Surprisingly (or maybe not, given these benefits I've noticed) I feel no compunction to login to see what I'm missing. 

Now I'm going to put my laptop down and get started on the next book.  Here is a photo of my dog Lazlo, just because he is awesome and I love him.

Keeping in touch for Generation Y

I have lost touch with almost everyone I knew at school and college.  Most went off to University (I didn't) or I was just never good enough friends with them for either of us to make the effort. In the 80s the only ways to keep in touch were by telephone or letter, if they weren't local.

Those who went to Uni often met their future spouses there, or settled out of the area for other reasons, so didn't come back to their teenage stamping grounds very often.  My circle of friends at school was never huge, but it sorted the wheat from the chaff when one had to put effort into keeping in touch when we no longer saw each other every day; and now I am in regular contact with only one person from college days (who is in fact now my best friend).  Some have come back into contact but have not stayed as we have nothing in common now, other than having been friends at school.

Now teenagers have Facebook and other networking sites which take no account of distance, they can keep in touch easily and with minimum effort, with tens (and in some cases hundreds) of school friends.   Will they stay 'friends' with them all because they never lose touch? or will friends naturally fall by the wayside in the same way? I imagine it will take longer than when one had to pick up a phone and pay for a call, or take the trouble to write and post a letter.

"Lovely Lady? no, that's my wife"

Excuse me for sounding like a miserable cow, but what is the whole 'lovely lady' thing that seems to have sprung up on the internet and in texts?

"Happy Birthday lovely lady!"
"It was really good to see you yesterday, lovely lady".

Bleugh! It makes me cringe every time I see it.

There are a couple of girls I know who use it, and when they call me that I want to scream "aaghh don't CALL me that, it makes me want to vomit!"

I just wanted to say that, thank you.

Vaporization

I know a person who is an acquaintance, a friend-of-a-friend, who is generally ok but on occasion is a bit overly flirtatious in a slightly uncomfortable way.

Sometimes he's funny, sometimes he gives me the creeps.

Today he thought he was being funny, but it made me wonder to what lengths his over-active imagination goes at night.  Which made me feel a bit sick.

So I vaporized him.

And it felt good.

The Ice Queen strikes again.

Snippets from an extra bank holiday

I just deleted 118 people from my Facebook friends list, it felt great. They were acquaintances or even 'once-acquaintances'.  It will be interesting to see how many of them even notice.

This morning I watched the Royal Wedding live over at my parents house. I'm not a Royalist or a anti-Royalist - I don't worship the Royal family but equally I have nothing against them.Anyway it was a beautiful show and it was good to see something positive instead of all the doom and gloom. Kate was a lot cooler than I would have been amongst all that pressure!    Oh and for those of you who remember that I hate going to weddings - watching from the comfort of a sofa is quite another matter ;-)   

Tonight I am going with a friend to see We Will Rock You, I used to be a big Queen fan and saw them twice live in the 80s so it should be a good evening!

A small brown spaniel just legged it out of my house closely followed by a barking Django...  It turned out it belonged to visitors next door, it had obviously come through the hedge and had a good nose around!

On that note I must go and get something to eat, have a good weekend.

Studying in a bra, and a photo

I'm sitting on the veranda, typing my essay in my bra (well I was before I popped over here to write this). The 6 o'clock sun is really warm and I'm in the lee of the house so no breeze here... so the t-shirt had to go.  Ah the advantages of having no-one overlooking - at least not unless they really, really try!

The essay is the last one for this year, it's a very general 1500 word affair about the advantage of looking at topics from different psychological perspectives.  I've kind of written the introduction and feel as though the rest will come ok - until I hit that wall of course ;-)

I made a big mistake earlier, I looked at the course page on Facebook. I haven't looked for a while because it annoys me, but I was hoping that in amongst the rubbish there might be some useful tips on TMA06.   There were a couple of posts on there saying 'Oh whatever, I just can't wait to get this year over, I've hated it'.  Last year when I was doing social science there were similar comments about that course. I think I've probably mentioned this before but sorry it's bugging me again. Yes it's been hard on occasion but it's a degree course - what would you expect??  I find it quite sad really, and I want to post on there that I've found it really interesting and life-enhancing and horizon-broadening.  I'm sure it can't just be me...

Here is a completely unconnected photo of my 'garden wall':  Everything growing in it is self-seeded (probably with the help of the birds).  No cherry trees this year (not yet anyway).  Anyone who can invent a connection between this and my post, please share it...

Later when it's cooler I will take Django out for a walk. I suppose I'd better put my t-shirt back on for that.

Faye's Cat - a challenge

A while ago one of my friend's posted a photo of her cat on Facebook.  When I glanced at the thumbnail I thought it was two bridesmaids dancing at her wedding.   I told her about this and even printed off the photo, drew on on it, scanned it and sent it to her - but she couldn't see the two dancing bridesmaids.  

Can you?

I'm now thinking that Faye's Cat could become famous.. say, like Schrodinger's Cat?

What type of friend are you?

A friend of mine said something today which made me think - she said she'd been deleting all the really unpleasant people she knows from her Facebook friends.

Well that begs so many questions, but mainly....  firstly if they are unpleasant why were you friends in the first place?   or maybe they were just 'acquaintance' friends, we all have some of those.  Secondly, are they really unpleasant or have they just said one thing you don't like?   Thirdly, isn't 'unpleasant friend' rather an oxymoron?

The verocity with which she said it shocked me rather, although it probably shouldn't (knowing the individual concerned).     I commented that I didn't think I had any really unpleasant friends, to which she replied that unfortunately she does.  This I must admit I took with rather a large pinch of salt as her friendships seem to run hot and cold all the time. Please excuse the mixed metaphors.

This is what I got when I searched Google Images for 'unpleasant friends'.  Hmm I guess they don't turn up with one of these in their pocket?

I can count the number of close friends I have on one hand - the ones I could turn to in a crisis.  Of course I have many more that number of casual friends and acquaintances but maybe I just don't get involved enough with them to find out if they are really unpleasant or not.  A bit like not finding out your partner's worst habits until you live with them.

The most I have to complain about is irritating friends - the ones who always seem to be negative, or mushy, or overly opinionated.  But that isn't the same as being unpleasant.

That then got me thinking about how much we attract different types of people as our friends. How much of whether they are 'pleasant' or not is to do with them, and how much is to do with what we expect of them which they don't or can't live up to?  Or, they expect things of us which we don't or can't live up to?  Either of those situations can cause bad feelings to build up, or just explode one day.

Or does what one person considers 'unpleasant' differ from another's?  Undoubtedly but I'd have thought we all agree if a person was generally nasty.

My final thought was that sometimes you have to keep certain friends slightly at arm's length. Get too enmeshed with them and you might find yourself saying the wrong thing one day, and being deleted because you're unpleasant.

Why is it such hard work?

I have told the friend that I wish she'd told me she was annoyed, rather than being passive-aggressive via Facebook. Well I didn't actually mention the passive-aggressive part, but that's what it is.  Which brings me on to a different subject - people who hold grudges.

I am not a grudge-holder.  If something goes wrong in a friendship or work relationship (or even worse those that involve both), I just want to get it sorted out and move on.  I can't stand festering atmospheres or ongoing sulks.  In general I just want to get on with people, and if it gets to the point where I simply can't get on with them, then I just stay away from them as much as possible. 

If someone gets the hump with me for some minor reason, I just want to say "What? what is the matter?  What have I done this time? Let's sort this out, now!"   But, some people enjoy holding grudges and having the hump, and sulking, and not talking to people for days/weeks/months.   They'll say things like "how can you just brush that off like that?"  Because life's too short to waste on it, that's why.  

We're all human, we make mistakes. We say the wrong thing at the wrong time, or we don't say the right thing at the right time, because maybe we're thinking about something else or there's a crisis going on which is taking up all our thinking space. To that other person it is huge thing, while you don't even realise you have done/not done it.  You are thoughtless and heartless not to have made that first thing on your mind.  And even if you've already said 'thank you' or 'congratulations' or 'sorry' you still have to say it or mention it for the next 5 times you meet them, otherwise you are rude and back on the Hump list.

And because I hate the brewing atmosphere I end up being the one to apologise, which I'm sure labels me the one who is perpetually in the wrong, even if the problem is them getting things totally out of proportion.

I thought friendship was supposed to be pleasurable and relaxing, but sometimes it can be really hard work.

Ranting and driving (not at the same time)

Do you know what?   who cares what people I don't even know think about something when they don't even know what they are talking about?   But I know that whenever I write 'who cares?' it means I do.

I'm not sure that even makes sense but it is just another symptom of Facebook annoyance.  When someone puts a cryptic status, and then their friends jump on the bandwagon when they don't even know what it refers to, for goodness sake.  

And why do I let it wind me up so much?   Because I think it might refer to a joke comment I made to a friend earlier today, I thought nothing of it.  If she thought it was so bad she should have said so at the time and she didn't, but she did decide to put a status on facebook which may or may not be a joke and all her young mother friends are 'sticking up for her'.  

Whatever. Why I am even wasting keyboard space on it?  It must be time for another Facebook 'holiday'.

On a more important note, I drove today on the roads for the first time, which was cool. I have official permission from my doctor for short, local journeys, which means I can get myself to the office and back if nothing else.  It feels so good to have another little bit of independence.

So, deep breaths. Forget about annoying, petty minded people and concentrate on stuff that matters. That is what I shall do.

Oh, and I'll take that Facebook holiday.
 

Facebook... hummm

Yet another Awareness Status has hit Facebook today:

"Change your facebook profile picture to a cartoon character from your childhood and invite your friends to do the same, for the NSPCC. Until Monday (December 6th), there should be no human faces on facebook, but an invasion of memories. This is a campaign to stop violence against children".

or, variation on the theme:

"Change your profile pic to a cartoon from your childhood. the Goal?...not to see a human face on FB until Monday Dec 6 and be surrounded by only your best childhood memories. Show your support in the fight against Child Abuse and copy and paste to your status. Invite your friends to...do the same!"

OK.

Most people know about the NSPCC (for non-Brits, that is National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children) and are aware that violence against children exists, and yes 99.9% of the population are in support of stopping it.

What I fail to understand is what doing this on Facebook is going to achieve, it's not as though anyone is suggesting supporting the NSPCC with funds to carry on their good work.

On two of my friends' pages I asked "How is this going to help prevent violence against children?"

One reply was : "Who knows? but good excuse to relive our childhood!", another was "harmless fun :). Now go pop one of those 'happy pills' and smile :)"

So why not just say "Let's all change our profile pictures to a childhood cartoon for a bit of fun", instead of wrapping it up with some altruistic motive.   

What is the psychology behind the fact that 90% of my friends who are regularly on Facebook have changed their profile pic to a cartoon, with or without the text?

1) Do they really believe that it is going to have an effect on - well anything really?  other than making themselves feel good. Personally all it made me think of was cartoons.

2) Do they think that if they don't follow the herd people will think they are a bad person?  

3) Do they just automatically copy/paste without even thinking about it?   Are those who did the picture without the text being more honest... but what.was.the.point.?

Probably a mixture of the above.

I have just posted my status as "Juniper thinks people would help more by going to http://www.nspccwishes.org.uk/"

No doubt somebody will tell me I need to develop a sense of humour.