Mortality

I apologise for this seemingly morbid topic.

At 46 many people might start thinking about dying... I don't mean considering doing it, I mean thinking that they are getting older and that they are mortal, and that we won't be here forever.

Nobody said this to me, but in the newspaper report of our crash I red that my injuries were 'initially thought to be life threatening'.  I thought about this and wondered what it would have been like to die, given that I was so drugged up on morphine there are bits I can't really remember clearly.  I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't really have known about it and that it would have been my family and friends who would have had all the suffering.

I was thinking about it the other day, and realised that although I am scared of getting old and infirm and losing my mental abilities; and of suffering and pain for both myself and my loved ones, I'm not afraid of dying itself. 

It's not that I believe in an afterlife or heaven/hell, I just feel that it will be a long and very peaceful sleep (hopefully not involving strange dreams that involve having to hide the duvet).

Global or International?

My course book asked an interesting question this week: "When you think of 'global', what does it mean to you?"   I hmm-d and haa-d and could only think 'well, worldwide'.  They then had a photo of the earth from outer space, and a map of the world showing the divisions of countries.

The earth photo represented those who thought of 'global' as meaning one society of which all human beings are members; no national divisions, we're all in this together no matter what language we speak, what colour of our skin or whatever.

The map, however, they interpreted as representing 'international' rather than 'global'.  In other words the world is made up of lots of separate entities and we each sit cocooned in our own comfortable (we lucky ones) country where we know what's what, and being separate from 'the others'.

Of course we all know that clothes we buy in the local department store are made in another country; and occasionally we think about whether the workers in those countries are exploited or just grateful for a job. Likewise with much of the food from the supermarket.  But still, We are Here, and They are There.

Even within our own nations, towns, streets there are the divisions of Us and Them.  The North/South divide of England for instance - no doubt there are equivalents in all countries.

To think of the world as a single, global society.... those links from one side of the world to the other, remembering that what you buy today was probably made or grown thousands of miles away yesterday... remembering that we are all humans... is not something most of us do regularly.

I am here in Phuket, Thailand surrounded by local people, but also a plethora of nationalities from Australian to Swedish to Russian. Partly that is because I am at an international regatta, but it is also the type of place that is bursting with ex-pats. After a while one hardly notices what accent people have; yesterday somebody asked me if I was from Australia or New Zealand, despite my very English accent.

It's a good exercise occasionally to zoom out of your life, out from your office, house, town, country, continent, until you can see the whole earth and remind ourselves that the only boundaries are man-made.

Faye's Cat - a challenge

A while ago one of my friend's posted a photo of her cat on Facebook.  When I glanced at the thumbnail I thought it was two bridesmaids dancing at her wedding.   I told her about this and even printed off the photo, drew on on it, scanned it and sent it to her - but she couldn't see the two dancing bridesmaids.  

Can you?

I'm now thinking that Faye's Cat could become famous.. say, like Schrodinger's Cat?

Honesty is the best policy

The other day I saw the orthopaedic expert for an assessment and he will report back to my solicitor.  I was (of course) 100% honest in my answers to his questions, and in my assessment of myself and what I can and can't do.

It got me thinking though. How many people in my situation would have limped into the room, groaned with pain sitting down in the chair and then wildly exaggerated how much pain they were in, and how they could barely walk up stairs let alone walk the dog for an hour.  Just so they could try and get a few more quid compensation. Hmmm, I'm thinking quite a lot of people.

I might have mentioned before how anti-spurious-compensation-claims I am, and how weird it felt being involved in a genuine one (let's face it, she has screwed up quite a few months of my life, physically and mentally, and who knows when I'll be back to normal?).  Hence there is No Way I would lie to an assessor who probably has a fair idea of what he's expecting anyway.

I lied to my orthodontist when I was 13, forgive me if I've told you this before. He asked me whether my gums bled when I brushed me teeth. I lied and said 'No', at which point he told me that they would if I'd been brushing my teeth properly. Damn, damn!    It was around that point that I learned that lying to an expert is probably going to backfire.

I always like having my eyes tested because I have no idea what they are finding out from their various tests with different lenses, so there is no earthly point in lying about my answers in an effort to stay out of the Wearing-glasses Club (and no, I'm still not a member, although I think I'd look quite good in them so in a way it's disappointing).

Why do we sometimes try to second guess what experts (or others) are driving at?  even if we don't lie, we are trying to work out what would be the best answer.  They must word their questions very carefully sometimes to try and ensure they get the truth and not what we think is what they want to hear.

Then there's the question of just not mentioning something ("that you may later rely on in court") - does that count as lying?   I regularly don't mention things to my parents because I don't want to have the Whole Conversation about it, but if they asked me outright there is no way I'd be able to lie to them. By the time I'd thought of the lie, my subconscious would have already blurted the truth out of my mouth.

I am generally pretty good at keeping my mouth shut when it matters though, if I'm told something in confidence it stays in confidence.

And now I've strayed off the original subject, so I'm off to make my packed lunch for my train journey!

What next..?

I apologise in advance if this post upsets you, but I feel the need to talk about it. I also apologise if you get confused with people - there are only four: Me, and 3 colleagues I have called A, B & C.

I work in a very small office, there are just 8 people (6 women and 2 men) and 3 of us have been there 18 years or more. We are a pretty close-knit team, which of course comes with gripes and personality conflicts, but when the chips are down it's a different matter.  

The last few months has almost felt like there's a curse on the place.  In the early summer, A's father died, her real father who she hadn't seen for ages; but she and her sister had to do the running around sorting out paperwork while dealing with all those conflicting emotions, and an **hole uncle for good measure.

Meanwhile B's father became ill and was diagnosed with cancer, and went through various surgeries. The rest of her family live overseas so it was really just her going through it all with him. 

Then there was my crash in June, which shook people up but they pulled together brilliantly and just got on with things.  In the Autumn, A's step-father, the one she considered her proper father, was diagnosed with cancer. 

In February, B's father deteriorated, and he died two weeks ago. Her brother and sister were here for a couple of weeks and then went home, so she being single was left on her own with just her dog for company. 

Also in February C's mother, who is in her late-80s, was brought down from London to a care home because she was getting increasingly confused, she then fell over and broke part of her elbow and decisions had to be made about care and operations etc.

Two days ago, A's step-father was rushed into hospital, she and her sister were called to say they should get over there, and he died in the night. 

This morning B's dog was rushed to the vet's for emergency surgery for an unknown problem that had made him sick all night, and he died during surgery.

This week the rest of us are sitting there thinking "What next.....?"  Especially these last 3 weeks we have all felt quite depressed. 

I'm not the kind of person to ask 'Why?'   I know that this stuff just happens, it's part of life and people cope and get through it.  But for such a small group of people, it seems such a high proportion of bad stuff has been happening. I can only say that the fact that we are a close team is definitely a means of support in these times of stress.

The Emperor's New Clothes

I have all these thoughts bottled up inside me, but the only person I can tell about them is Mr H., because I know he will understand.

If I put them on here, or on Facebook or anywhere else public, I would be shot down in flames. And don't say that anyone can say anything on a blog because that is a fallacy - there is always someone who will get upset.  Now that is fine if one's blog is totally about speaking your mind and upsetting people, but mine isn't.

I blame it on my course, it's got me *thinking* about so many different things, and now I have opinions but I know that they aren't always popular ones.  And one isn't supposed to voice an unpopular opinion, because The People are supposed to all think the same thing, and anyone who doesn't and says so is labelled as uncaring or cruel or outrageous.    So we all just go along saying the same nice things and trying to ignore the fact that perhaps the Emperor is naked.

picture from here