Marriage

I was chatting with a friend this afternoon, who is coming up to the first anniversary of her second marriage.  We were discussing the 'official' anniversary gifts for each year as she said that they had agreed to have a big celebration every five years rather than wait for 25!    I said 'What's the gift for 24 years?' as that will be our anniversary in April 2013.  She didn't know, but asked me - what is the secret of a long and happy marriage?

I don't know why 'long' and 'happy' always go together, because when you've been married a long time, unless you are one of those horribly perfect couples on the inside as well as the outside, the chances are it hasn't always been a bed of roses.  But anyway, getting back to the question....

I instantly said 'Communication'.  

Over the last 24 years, things have variously been bottled up; written in a diary instead of talking about them; or simply left unsaid. At some point diaries were discontinued, and in fact destroyed - a clean sheet of paper, as it were. But with no paper involved. It was a good start to talking more.

I followed it up with 'Sending them away for a year helps too'.

We chuckled but it's true. There is nothing like not having someone around all the time to make you realise how much they mean to you, and perhaps how much you take them for granted.  And the communication flourished for being on writing paper, in an envelope with a postage stamp.  I'm not suggesting that it would work for everyone, but it was good for us.

'And lastly', I said, 'go through a traumatic experience together'.

Having to support each other, and in our case one being reliant on the other to some extent, is a big ask for a relationship.  I'm sure in some cases it can cause massive strain, stress and resentment but in our case it brought us even closer together (at least, if Mr H resents any of it, he hasn't told me!)

So there you have it, my recipe for a long marriage:  Communication, Absence and Trauma.

You could probably leave out the last two.

Is it just me?

I was listening to a radio show this morning and they were talking on the phone to a man who had won some prize.  He'd been married for 31 years so the presenter of course said "Wow that's impressive. What's the secret to a long marriage?"   The man didn't quite know what to say, he was the quiet sort.

The presenter went on "Plenty of patience I expect? haha!"

"Um well yes I suppose so!"

"And plenty of presents for the wife!"

Aaagggh, the old stereotypical 'wife who needs lots of presents to keep her happy' joke.  It conjures up a picture of a chap coming home late from the office to find his frazzled wife who's been looking after the children and cooking dinner, and whipping out a box from Tiffany's to make her feel better. 

According to this site, "Women love being showered with beautiful, expensive gifts and being pampered with expensive jewelry especially - diamonds, gold, silver, platinum jewelry. Jewelry can be as expensive as you want it to be."

Maybe it's my lack of children and the fact that I've always been an equal salary earner that mean I don't really get it.   I'm not saying that it's not nice to get surprise presents but I never expect them, and certainly don't want or expect expensive 'sparkly things' from a jewelers; I'd rather have something that I can use or that cost 50p that he got me just because he knew it would make me laugh.

Mr H and I will have been married for 22 years in April.   No it hasn't been a perfect 22 years, but who can honestly say their marriages haven't had peaks and troughs.  The important thing is that now we are on the upper flanks of the mountain and climbing.

I now know the 'secrets' to happy marriage (ours at least) to be:

1.  Communication
2.  Individuality
3.  Similar basic values
4.  Retaining some independence
5.  Sharing

And some other obvious things like thoughtfulness and caring quite a lot about each other.

I'd rather have those than a diamond necklace any day.

But hey-ho, each to their own I guess.