Shower thoughts

Thinking in the shower, often a mistake for me.  This evening I was mulling over some of the things said on Monday.

On Monday, Mr H and I drove 3 hours to see my solicitor and a barrister about my case, well worth the trip as the barrister was very nice and explained everything extremely clearly.  It is 2 years since the crash and my physical improvement (ie. discomfort and pain) over the last few months has slowed to a crawl; psychological improvement is better, with the odd relapse. As I have mentioned on here before, I detest spurious personal injury claims, but this one seemed to happen of its own accord after our crash, and it's not spurious in most people's eyes. Therefore however much I shy away from talking about it, I will because this is what I was thinking about - not the fact of there being a claim but some of the details, and the insight into how the legal system works (not having done this before).

Two things came out on Monday that annoyed me in the shower:

1.  The other driver's insurance company hasn't admitted liability yet.  This surprised me, since they have already accepted our claims for uninsured losses and made an interim payment.  So it is just them playing games - but to hear that they haven't admitted liability automatically opens up the possibility that they will suggest it was somehow partly my fault, despite all the evidence showing that it wasn't.  In the weeks after the crash, the grandparents of one of the passengers in the other vehicle put in a claim against my insurance... Mr H and I were gobsmacked - they had to be f*ing joking right?  I guess no-one had told them what actually happened...

2.  The barrister half joked that the law might consider a dog to be a 'chattel' and therefore argue against us claiming for the excess we had to pay on insurance for Django's veterinary bill.  I didn't think about this in the meeting, but how could someone argue that they won't pay up for that, yet not argue in the slightest about the cost of the replacement dog cage or a T-shirt? (chattels in anyone's language). The whole point of uninsured losses is to cover costs that we wouldn't have incurred had we not been hit in a head-on collision. And as for looking at Django as a chattel... well that upsets me a bit.  

Just thinking about the nitty gritty of things, now that we are likely to get to the arguing stages about wear and tear on my lost sunglasses and how much the pain I experience really affects my life, makes me want the whole thing over as soon as possible.

Then hopefully I will feel that I can truly move onwards and upwards.

Chickens and eggs

I read a research article the other day about pain in the proximal thigh following femur IM nailling (ie. what I've got).  It was quite interesting although it was related to 1991-1993 surgeries so possibly things are done differently now.

Anyway, in amongst the research paper it mentioned that a) where litigation is involved the patients experienced more pain and b) when the litigation is settled the pain diminshes.

Well, that sound reasonable I thought. Where litigation is involved and it depends to some extent on how much one is suffering, and you have a constant reminder of it with contact from the solicitor etc., it is bound to have an effect on how much you think about the pain.

Then I thought, but if the litigation continues as long as there is substantial pain, but reduces when it is settled, surely this is a chicken and egg situation?   It still hurts substantially so the litigation drags on...?

The other thing the article took into account was whether the patients had had the IM nail removed because of pain or 'irritation'.  I really don't want to go through another surgery, and if they suggest it then it's going to be a difficult decision to make. Oh well, I'll cross that bridge if and when I come to it.

In the meantime, every time I think "Oh *** it hurts today!"  I will psychoanalyse myself ;-)

Strutting my stuff .. or not!

Hmmm, it's now 18 months since That Crash, and maybe some of you are interested in how The Leg is....

So the simple answer is that it is still aching quite a lot, sometimes twinges in my hip, still tender to impact on the outer side.  I don't limp unless it's a particularly bad day, but sometimes I often feel as though I'm walking laboriously - no sexy hip-swinging down the street!

I'm still planning to get out in the dinghy when Spring comes (I have bought a new, less twitchy one!), and probably get back on sailing club safety boat duty. It's time to tell it who's boss while not doing anything stupid.  

The solicitor's file must be getting pretty thick, and she says one of the problems with the assessment is my age....  The problem is that I'm too young!  No-one knows how long it's going to take until I'm doing long distance walking with 15kg packs again, or what the possible side-effects will be as I get older.

I read an article about how humans have a bias towards thinking positively, and life having a 'silver lining'.  Guilty as charged as far as the last 18 months are concerned, as you'll know from my various posts.

Onwards and upwards towards that sexy walk!

Bones

Just a quick one to say I've just updated the x-ray page with the pics from March and September for anyone who's interested. Progress is good!

Got the Blues...

I've not had a good day and a half..  Today I had an afternoon of lachyrmation* and felt just generally miserable.

Partly this is because I am desperately missing Mr H, and I know that he's been missing home. Somehow knowing we are both lonely makes it worse.. I even looked at flights today, for this weekend, but they were far too expensive at this late stage.

I've been trying to reduce my dihydrocodeine (again) because I feel as though that's what I should be doing, although no-one (ie. doctor or consultant) has suggested or requested it.  Over the weekend when I was away, I accidentally ended up on just one a day on the days I should have been having two; and coupled with tiring myself out driving about 250 miles it's knocked me for six, and it came to a head this afternoon.  My leg's been aching much more as well, maybe those tablets are still required to do a job.

I was supposed to be going to my parents' for supper tonight as my sister was visiting, but I knew that it would make me feel worse not better, so I cancelled. I'll see them at the weekend instead.  It's a shame that once one reaches adulthood, parents are so often *not* the best people to cheer up a depressed mood, not in the same way that friends can.

My self-treatment consisted of a large portion of chips from the fish 'n' chip shop (it was a 'small' portion, heaven knows what size the 'large' portions are!) with tomato ketchup.  

Now what I need is an early night and good sleep.....



*the medical or literary term for shedding of tears

Stuff you kid.... 6WS

Stuff you kid, sticks and stones....
Six Word Saturday

I walked into town today in shorts and a t-shirt - it's overcast but warm and I have a dodgy thermostat and tend to overheat.   Halfway down the road a bunch of teenagers drove past and the passenger leant out of the window and pretended to retch in my direction.  Yes they are pleasant lads around here.

So, a few things went through my mind:

Oh my god, do I look that bad?

Why do teenagers feel the need to be hurtful to complete strangers, just to impress their friends?  there's no way he'd have done it if he'd been alone.

"I bet I look better than you will at 45, sunshine."

"One day you'll realise that real women aren't Photoshopped."

"Your legs wouldn't look that brilliant if they'd been crushed for 90 minutes - shall I show you...?"

Ok, my legs don't look the best - cellulite and not much muscle tone to speak of just now (but I'm working on that one). And they are odd, I mean not matching, not just 'odd'.

For about 10 seconds I thought "maybe I shouldn't wear shorts" - very rapidly followed by "Fuck them, I'll wear what I damn well like, if they don't like it, they don't have to look."

At a flick of the points, that of course took my train of thought off to how much we judge what other people wear, and we women are particularly bad at this.  "Oh my god look at her, she SO shouldn't wear that top, what does she think she looks like?"

Now there are some fashions which I personally don't like, but it usually isn't personal to the individual wearing them (except that they should perhaps think before following fashion so rigorously). At the moment it is black footless tights and skirts/dresses, and those stupid little pump shoes that no-one over the age of 10 ought to wear (in my ever so humble opinion).

I do think over the last few months I have become a lot more accepting of other people, maybe it is the studying that is making me think before I judge.  As soon as someone makes a 'Daily Mail'* type statement I will be considering the other viewpoint, and even - if I'm feeling brave - voicing it.    (*UK readers will understand what I mean).  But it still needs work, there is something inside us all that likes to make ourselves feel better by denigrating others, whether spoken or unspoken.

Anyway, by the time I was walking home I didn't care if people were looking at my legs, it makes a change to them looking at my breasts at least.

Tuesday's gone with the wind

So, that was Tuesday.

Monday was full of e-mails, it took me all day to get through them all. Today thank goodness I had only a few so managed to get some work done (yes I know e-mails are work, but you know what I mean).  I've been trying to work out how I feel - at one moment like I've been run over by a steam-roller, at another relaxed and happy.  Last week took it out of me, or rather the last few weeks of really busy work mixed with revision.

This morning I turned the alarm off in my sleep and woke up at 8.27am - oh bugger - I had stayed up too late finishing a gripping police novel so it was my own fault. And then I lay awake worrying about psychos breaking in.  So then I had a mad rush for breakfast (can't face the day without some) but still cycled to work because I had promised myself not to use the car unless I have to. So I arrived at work a bit kerfuffled.

I felt a bit down this evening, I just felt limp and my leg was hurting which must be because yet again I've been considering cutting down on the DHC. I walked fast into town to catch the 6pm post with my letter to Mr H, and sat on a bench for a bit watching people before ambling home in the sunshine. I then cheered myself up by picking a pile of vegetables to go with the local sausages I got from the market.  It feels so good to eat fresh from the garden, it makes all the digging (thanks Mr H) and planting and hoe-ing and waiting worthwhile.   I even managed to mow the main lawn before it rains again.  'The main lawn' - that makes it sound as though we live on an estate with multiple lawns and water features and acres of vegetable garden.  Well we do have a fake stone bird bath.

My sister and her partner are coming down later this week, they stay at my parents' a couple of miles away.  So I'm going over on Thursday and we're all going out by the sounds of it; I'm not really in the mood but it will be good to see them.  Typically my great plans to start driving around visiting family has coincided with me deciding that I really need to cut down my expenditure.  But I do need to take a weekend trip soon, to see how I get on with the driving. I wish I had the van because I feel invincible in that... but will have to make do with the Golf for now.  One would think that I'd be more uncomfortable in the van because of the associations, but it's quite the opposite.

Now having rambled enough I am going to make a cup of tea and start reading "Zero Degrees of Empathy - a New Theory of Human Cruelty" which is a cheerful book by Simon Baron-Cohen.  Let's hope it doesn't give me nightmares....

Discombobulation and muscles

Hey hey, sorry about the lack of posts....  I had a busy weekend with Mr H, and I'm kind of still discombobulated as I try and get back into revision mode.

So here is a picture of my vegetable patch at the weekend, getting the strimmer treatment. I can't wait to nosh on new potatoes and beans.

Charging off on a different tangent:   today I took some photos of my leg for the solicitor, and when I compared them with the ones I took in January I realised that my right leg isn't as weak looking as it was. The cycling and walking etc. is paying off - I have more muscles - hurrah!

Now, back to the books.

Physio and the concern of mothers

I saw my physiotherapist this morning.  The outcome of it was that I'm doing all the right things (cycling, walking, exercises) and basically it's now just down to giving it time.  The bone is still 'remodelling' and will be for at least a few more months, so he didn't suggest trampolining or training for a marathon. I mentioned that I was thinking of doing some swimming so that got a tick, as did the fact that I make up my own physio exercises sometimes! So no more appointments, but I can make one with them if I want to discuss anything.

I won't be telling my mother this because I don't think she will consider that sufficient, despite the fact the physiotherapist I've been seeing works at the best regarded practice around here. Although as I see it, the reason I don't need to see him is because I don't need him to motivate me - I have enough motivation for two people, and I imagine that is a big part of a physiotherapist's role.

He said my leg was pretty strong (though it did blooming hurt when he did the 'ok, push as hard as you can against my hand' stuff in all different directions!).

So I'll just carry on doing what I'm doing. Yep, I can manage that.

The Leg Says 'No'!

Sadly the Holiday Anaesthetic has worn off....  I might Want More but my body doesn't currently agree with me, it's gone on strike!  I was feeling so good after our holiday, and the fact that I managed to do more walking than I thought, that I was all fired up with enthusiasm when I got back.   Couple that with the cost of running a car 1.5 miles to work and back every day (I can't believe how quickly the tank empties doing those short trips) at over £1.30 per litre and I was determined to use Shanks Pony or my bicycle for my commute. 

So on a couple of days I cycled in the morning and drove in the afternoon (have already established that once there and back is enough at the moment).

On Tuesday I decided I'd walk to work for the first time and take Django with me.  Well, walking to work on your own, on pavements in soft shoes is so much harder than walking in good company on grass in walking boots with a lovely view...who knew?  I reckon if you multiply the miles by about 6 then you get the equivalent. 

By the time I was half-way to the office my leg was complaining. By the time I got home in the evening I had slowed down to half my speed and was ready to cry.  I felt so pathetic - for heaven's sake it was a 1/4 of what I'd walked last week if I include walking around town and shops etc. 

I grimly had to write a note to myself - I am not ready to walk to work yet.

Photo illustrating the pleasantness of holiday walking compared with work walking

On Wednesday it ached but I was still feeling confident of being able to go for a walk on the clifftop with a friend on Saturday.  

This morning I took Django down to the field, a short 25 minute round trip. I took my walking stick because I felt as though I'd need it and I did, I felt as though I'd stepped back on my ladder by 2 months. I spent most of today at work with an ice-pack down my jeans, eating Kendal Mint Cake as comfort food.  

So, the leg says 'No' and has demanded rest and relaxation.  I have no choice but to submit to it for a few days (except for those short trips down to the field because Django has to be walked).  I'm not particularly good at submitting to whinging body parts but sometimes it has to be done.  

It was probably not a good combination of overdoing it and the come down from a fantastic week with my husband, and the PMS probably hasn't helped how I feel about it.... 

So, I will be suggesting swapping the clifftop walk on Saturday for coffee and a chat instead.

Honesty is the best policy

The other day I saw the orthopaedic expert for an assessment and he will report back to my solicitor.  I was (of course) 100% honest in my answers to his questions, and in my assessment of myself and what I can and can't do.

It got me thinking though. How many people in my situation would have limped into the room, groaned with pain sitting down in the chair and then wildly exaggerated how much pain they were in, and how they could barely walk up stairs let alone walk the dog for an hour.  Just so they could try and get a few more quid compensation. Hmmm, I'm thinking quite a lot of people.

I might have mentioned before how anti-spurious-compensation-claims I am, and how weird it felt being involved in a genuine one (let's face it, she has screwed up quite a few months of my life, physically and mentally, and who knows when I'll be back to normal?).  Hence there is No Way I would lie to an assessor who probably has a fair idea of what he's expecting anyway.

I lied to my orthodontist when I was 13, forgive me if I've told you this before. He asked me whether my gums bled when I brushed me teeth. I lied and said 'No', at which point he told me that they would if I'd been brushing my teeth properly. Damn, damn!    It was around that point that I learned that lying to an expert is probably going to backfire.

I always like having my eyes tested because I have no idea what they are finding out from their various tests with different lenses, so there is no earthly point in lying about my answers in an effort to stay out of the Wearing-glasses Club (and no, I'm still not a member, although I think I'd look quite good in them so in a way it's disappointing).

Why do we sometimes try to second guess what experts (or others) are driving at?  even if we don't lie, we are trying to work out what would be the best answer.  They must word their questions very carefully sometimes to try and ensure they get the truth and not what we think is what they want to hear.

Then there's the question of just not mentioning something ("that you may later rely on in court") - does that count as lying?   I regularly don't mention things to my parents because I don't want to have the Whole Conversation about it, but if they asked me outright there is no way I'd be able to lie to them. By the time I'd thought of the lie, my subconscious would have already blurted the truth out of my mouth.

I am generally pretty good at keeping my mouth shut when it matters though, if I'm told something in confidence it stays in confidence.

And now I've strayed off the original subject, so I'm off to make my packed lunch for my train journey!

On your marks....

Location:  Longslade Bottom
Miles:  1.44
Time:  29 mins
Average speed:  3.0 mph
Terrain: X-country, one short uphill section.
Pain by the end:  6/10
Conversation stops adjusted for: 1 (an old Pointer-owner friend!)

OK, training has started!

Last spring I bought myself a personal GPS, a 'watch' type which straps on my wrist so is easy to use walking/cycling/running.   I didn't use it in anger except for a couple of runs I did, and for curiosity value on dog walks.  Today I have put new batteries in it and can monitor my progress.

And for what am I in training?   To get back to my previous fitness before the crash.  I might not have been a super athlete before but I was above average fitness/strength. I reckon it's going to take me the rest of this year and maybe then some.  

It's a daunting thought but at least I will get back to it.

Agog

My horoscope on Friday in our local paper read: "You can't work towards your goals if you're exhausted. It's time to make a more realistic schedule for yourself. By doing so you'll find your strength returns and progress will be made."

So obviously I took serious stock of this (ignoring the fact that it could apply to anyone, not just Geminis) and cycled to work today.  Only in the afternoon, so that was 1.5 miles there and 1.5 miles home.  The girls at work were agog when I turned up in my hi-viz jacket and cycling helmet after lunch - "You cycled....????"

I do have a couple of questions:

Firstly, who changed my saddle for a narrower one with no padding, hm??

Secondly, who put restrictor valves in my lungs?

Thirdly, is it normal to feel sick after cycling 1.5 miles?

I knew I would be unfit but that was the first exercise other than walking or stretching that I'd done in almost 9 months, and it hit home just HOW unfit I am. It's quite scary.  I didn't exactly bust a gut, but I didn't dawdle either.

So, I won't be cycling to work every day! But once or twice a week and building it up has got to be a good step in the right direction.

Other than that, I am rethinking my schedule and might try and wangle myself an extra half hour in bed....

What the doc said

So I had x-rays today, it was 3 months since the last ones and they looked disappointingly similar.   Although I suppose the new bone looks a bit denser and smoother, there are still some gaps.  But it's all going to plan and I don't need more x-rays until September.  On the downside, the pain and aches are likely to be sticking around a few months or years (?!) more as the traumatised muscles and tissues 'settle down'.

I requested a referral for physiotherapy, which I can get at my local hospital in my home town.  I have a card that says I require 'quads strengthening' so will make an appointment for that as soon as I can.    I also mentioned to the doc that I have a bicycle, at which his eyes lit up and said 'that will be perfect'.

This evening I got said bicycle out of the garage and into the workshop (step 1).  I pumped up the tyres and inspected the chain (step 2). I went to throw my leg over it - well when I say 'throw' it was more like gingerly manoevering (step 3) - ouch!!    Hmm that hip flexion needs working on.  Then I got off again (step 4), locked it away and went in for a cup of tea (step 5).

Definite progress *brushes off hands in satisfaction*

Mix and match

I'm working at home this morning and have taken the afternoon off, I've run out of steam this week.   Other than one evening when I forced myself to watch some comedy on iPlayer, I've been in the office all day and then studying most of the evening. 

Yesterday's staff 'workshop' and discussion day went well and we got lots out of it, but our agenda was a little optimistic so we'll finish it off on Monday.    I also got my TMA03 mark back from my tutor, 76% which I was pleased with. Very consistent with my first two marks!  I am determined to get it higher in the one I am writing at the moment so last night I went through all the feedback I had, and made some notes.  Now I'm ripping my 2nd draft apart.... but we also have a tutorial tomorrow so no doubt that will throw some more spanners in the works.

Today's gratuitous photo is me, standing on one leg!!!  I suddenly discovered I could do this yesterday morning, without having to have a supportive hand on something, as I have done.  It's strange how things seem to change all of a sudden.

This afternoon I'm going to the picture framer's.   Many years ago I inherited a glass-fronted bookcase from my paternal grandfather. It's in 3 sections which sit on top of each other, and has hinged 'up and over' glass front on each section.   My grandfather was also an artist and when my parents were visiting his widow recently she gave them a small painting he'd done which includes the bookcase. She wanted whoever had the bookcase to have the painting, and she will pay for it to be reframed which it needs. 

So this afternoon I'm going off to get that sorted out, I've been recommended one not far away.   A friend used to do it locally and was great, she is an artist and has a great eye so knew exactly what would look good. A few years ago she sold her business and the chap who took it over just did what you asked for, was no good for suggesting what would suit the picture.  So I was stuck, but our friend recommended this lady, so fingers crossed!

Feelgood Friday: an afternoon off

I said I would and I did. Well ok I switched my work laptop off at 13.07, which considering I had had an morning of waiting for things to happen in the office, which then started happening at about 12.50, was good.  It can wait til Monday, I wanted some quality time with Django and myself.

After lunch I piled an exciting, bouncing dog into the back of the car and we went down to clifftop to 'take the air'.  

I used to eschew (what a great word) the clifftop, because they put a neat gravel path along it and it was always full of people walking their dogs along it, very slowly.  A bit like I am now in fact.  But I've come to rather like it, partly because I now have one, easy, polite dog and we don't have to choose walks to avoid other canines; and partly because I'm mellowing and am happy saying 'good morning' to complete strangers.  It is still a good idea to avoid people with picnics though.

So we strolled along, smiling and saying hello to people who were mostly retired (it being 2.30 on a Friday afternoon).   We paused occasionally to watch people walking on the beach or throwing stones for their dogs. There was a solitary man with a metal detector and a spade, I wonder if he'd found any washed-up treasure. We (Ok, I) occasionally stopped for a sit-down on one of the many benches, but I hadn't taken my book as I thought it would be too cold, so didn't sit for long.  

It's a beautiful, sunny day, about 4C but almost windless. I was wrapped up with coat, gloves and hat and as usual when walking Django I had one crutch with me for extra support.  I'm still sure some people look at me and wonder what's wrong with me, since I look normal (well, as normal as someone in a bright red down jacket can look) and don't walk with much limp at all with the crutch.     However, at one point today I had a refreshingly straightforward conversation with an elderly chap who was overtaking me.

"Is he behaving himself today?"  (nodding towards Django)

"Oh yes, he's a good boy."

"Why do you need a crutch?"

"Broken leg."

"Oh dear, recovering I hope?"

"Yes, thanks."

"How did you do that?"

"Car crash."

"Oh. Well as long as it's recovering."

"Yes."

And off he went.  

Catch up

Sorry, it's been an 'interesting' week with work and my head has been full of that so nothing to post here!   And it's ongoing so if I'm a bit 'dot-and-carry-one' (as my boss puts it) over the next few days, that's why.

I have realised the similarities between some aspects of my work and designing a psychology experiment.  In both there are a lot of 'what if' questions to ask ourselves.  At work it revolves round rule-writing or programming - watching for loopholes, or odd boats that won't fit, or the way others will intepret it, or a myriad of other things. It's a part of work which can be really frustrating, but I enjoy.   Similarly with psychological studies there are the Confounding Variables which will mess up the results.

On another subject, I got the latest 4 x-rays on disk so I have updated the x-rays page.  They look fairly similar except for the fact that the bone-coloured areas are growing!   Still I looked at them and though "Why the hell was I even thinking about driving?".  This is one of them:

I have told my boss that the full days in the office aren't working; they were really an experiment so that's fine.   They involve so much stimulation, and getting up and down to see people and discuss things, that for that evening and the whole of the next day I feel exhausted and emotional.  It's just not worth it.  So I've suggested 3 half-days a week (starting after the New Year); anyway it's not as though I'm not working while I'm here at home, in fact I'm probably doing more.

Today I am going in for a lunchtime meeting about some technical stuff so will be there for the afternoon.  Then I need to set to some studying reading this weekend.  Christmas is all done and bought and there is no more money left so I won't be going near any shops!  Just counting down to Thursday when Mr H gets home :-)