Just when things seem to be swinging along, something gets me down again.
I got an invitation to my sister's surprise birthday party, she's going to be 50. I probably won't go because there are too many difficulties including needing time off work and the fact that she lives 2 hours drive away... But just thinking about it stressed me out. Just my parents saying "I know they'd love it if you went". Nothing's that easy any more and I need to do things in my own time. And getting a lift with someone else would almost be worse - I'd be so tense by the time I got there, having driven the whole way in my head but without the controls!
I already have my first longer drive planned, and it will to see my brother and sister in law where things are relaxed, and if I suddenly got stuck on the way they would probably come and rescue me! Maybe a madhouse full of teenagers would work just as well, but.... I'm already making the excuses, I'm not going to go.
Even on my bike I've noticed my change in expectations on the road. I used to be much more casual but now I always wear my helmet and luminous top, even when it makes it a bit warm. Even when it's just 1.5 miles to work. The thing is, I've realised I wear them not only for the obvious reasons, but so that if somebody does knock me off my bike one day I can say "Yes I was wearing a helmet, yes I was wearing a luminous jacket". In the same way that now I can say "Yes I was wearing my seatbelt / sensible driving shoes / sunglasses" or whatever - don't try and pick up on anything to pin the blame on me.
I read that after a traumatic experience, a person's outlook can change from generally positive to generally negative. Obviously effects vary but that's kind of how I feel. Instead of somebody doing something stupid on the road being an outside chance, in my head it's now favourite odds, and it's up to me to anticipate it and avoid it. Maybe that is something do with the fact that there was "little or no chance" of me avoiding our crash (the coroner's words, not mine).
I'm attempting (not always succeeding) to pace myself physically and same applies psychologically.
Maybe I should get myself a T-shirt that says "I'm going as fast as I can...".