Saturday, 21 May 2011

Listening to the evidence

This evening I listened to the audio recording of the inquest. I had asked My Nice Policeman if I could get a copy expecting a written report, but it came through on a CD with a friendly note from the Coroner, and it was audio.

I thought at first there had been a mistake because it came up in iPlayer titled as some Latin music by a bloke called Les... albeit 46 minutes long!  blimey, that would almost be worse than one of the self-indulgent guitar widdlers that I hate!

So, it was the recording from the court, complete with scuffles and sniffs. The most interesting part was the report by the road investigation team about the vehicles and the marks on the road, and what they could ascertain from them.


What I have discovered, that I didn't know and had no recollection of, is that the evidence points to me being tucked right into the nearside and using my brakes at the time of impact, though there was no evidence of emergency braking on either side.  The being tucked in is no surprise as that would be a natural avoidance reaction.   But they asked me in my statement whether I'd braked and I had no idea, but apparently they can tell because the brake light bulbs were blown.  So that made me feel better, as if I had actually reacted in some way instead of just sitting there like a lemon.

I still feel no emotion about the other driver dying, even after listening to the inquest.  It just seems very factual and cold to me, which is odd because normally I am a very emotional person.

It's hard to believe that it is now almost a year ago, I can't decide whether it seems longer or shorter, or neither.  I do keep coming across things at work that I would normally do, but can tell that someone else did it - when I check I find they were done in the period when I wasn't in the office, which feels a bit strange.

My solicitor wants me to see a psychologist for an assessment, to do with my driving anxiety and just general negativity about recovery that hits me sometimes.   Her suggesting that has made me feel the opposite, ie. incredibly normal, but it will be an interesting experience. And who knows maybe it will even help.

4 comments:

  1. i hope it helps...it is strange what trauma does to us and maybe not feeling any emotions for the other driver is some sort of protection. I don't really know, but maybe you can figure it out.

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  2. It's a thin line, isn't it, between having no emotion about the other driver and burying the emotion.
    Between 'normal' worrying about driving again and anxiety?
    I bet, being you, you don't want to investigate such things and want to 'just get on with it'
    Might be interesting to have a chat to see if there are any 'oh that's why' revelations.

    How far you've come in a year. Well done you.

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  3. It is a thin line. And each of us deal in our own way.

    I'll be interested in the visit simply to see where you land afterwards.
    I dare say the anxiety incidents sound pretty 'normal' from where I sit.

    I do agree with Rosie--let's not forget where you were and where you're at now. You have come far.

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  4. Goodness....

    Nowt to loose i'd say...and maybe some insight to gain....

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