Switch off and tune in

Two weeks ago I was so wound up by a post that a friend shared on facebook (one of those incessant do-gooder preachy articles) that I deleted the facebook app off my smartphone.   It felt good, but I knew that a) I've done that before and put it back on the next day and b) I still had the facebook account and could access it from my iPad or laptop and c) I didn't want to delete my account because I run a page for our motorsport and also one for my work. 

However, the effect that simply removing the app from my smartphone had has been eye-opening.  Over the last two weeks the only time I've been on to my personal facebook profile has been to 'unfriend' a lot of acquaintances (so many that the word 'friend' started looking as though it was mis-spelled), change some privacy settings and delete a lot of my 'about' information.  I did consciously look at our Pointer's breeder's page once simply because I love her dogs, but there was no scrolling, no newsfeed, I just had a quick look and then closed it.  I found that I can still use the Pages app to maintain our motorsport page without temptation to stray to other bits of facebook while updating it. 

So what are those eye-opening effects have I noticed from my abstention from browsing other people's lives and opinions?

• I feel generally more relaxed
• That underlying tension that simmered along in my life has gone
• I have more time for reading that pile of books that I have collected 
• I feel more present in the moment rather than wondering if there's anything worth checking out online
• I am more focussed with tasks generally, either at home or at work
• I am more tuned-in and engaged when having conversations
• I 'have time' for 10 minutes meditation (with Headspace) before work; and if I feel that I don't, then I make time
• And hey, I have time to write a blog post! Maybe I'll do more, who knows. Or maybe not.

Surprisingly (or maybe not, given these benefits I've noticed) I feel no compunction to login to see what I'm missing. 

Now I'm going to put my laptop down and get started on the next book.  Here is a photo of my dog Lazlo, just because he is awesome and I love him.

Fear and a revelation

My brain has been twitching to write a new post since June.  It was 9 years in June since our car crash and I had started thinking 'if only... would things have been different? Could I have avoided the crash?'  For instance, one of the recurring thoughts has been 'if my headlights had been on, would she have seen me in time to get back to her side of the road?'.  Why, when it was not my fault apart from being on the road at the wrong time, do I ask myself this?

Perhaps it is because I am now more aware of the question of blame in any incident, and what a thin line it can be, and I try hard to ensure I will not be seen to be at fault if anything happens.  It is probably this thought that makes me put my lights on much earlier than I used to these days (our cars aren't new enough to have automatic headlights).  I don't want anyone saying "I didn't see you".   One of the effects of the crash is that I now find myself nervous of even the smallest potential incidents on the road, especially when I am not driving. Sometimes if I am feeling hyper-vigilant I just shut my eyes or try and sleep, or study things on my phone.  What I don't see can't bother me.

I know that since June 2010 I am more aware of, and afraid of, the possibility of pain.  You know how sometimes someone tells you about an injury they had, and they describe it and it makes you cringe with horror but they don't seem that bothered?  I found this if I showed my x-rays to people (to be fair they did look pretty awful, but to me they were just fact).  The power of the imagination is such that the thought of something is often worse than when it actually happens.  When it happens to you it is usually so quick there is no time to imagine it or be afraid of it.  It's done and you deal with it.  But now I am afraid of what might happen and how much it would hurt.

The reason for wanting to write this was that I realised that although I am scared of accidents and pain and having another crash or being knocked off my bicycle, I do not wish our crash had never happened.  This realisation was quite a revelation to me.

Of course, I wish that the other driver had not died. I wish that she had not left a partner, and a young boy without a mother.  I wish that she had come out of it pretty much OK physically and mentally, like I and Mr H have.   

The truth is, my life has been a whole lot better since June 2010.    My relationships are healthier, I know that 'life is too short to...' , and I have a new hobby in motorsport that I love and that Mr H and I enjoy together, and a fantastic motorsport 'family' that comes free with it.  I am better at knowing what is important and what is not so important.  Much of this is a direct result of the crash and the aftermath, and the jolt that it gave our lives.

Not being able to run and jump any more seems a small price to pay.

Competing in our Hillman Imp at Doune hill climb in Scotland

photo:  eddiekelly.co.uk

Keeping in touch for Generation Y

I have lost touch with almost everyone I knew at school and college.  Most went off to University (I didn't) or I was just never good enough friends with them for either of us to make the effort. In the 80s the only ways to keep in touch were by telephone or letter, if they weren't local.

Those who went to Uni often met their future spouses there, or settled out of the area for other reasons, so didn't come back to their teenage stamping grounds very often.  My circle of friends at school was never huge, but it sorted the wheat from the chaff when one had to put effort into keeping in touch when we no longer saw each other every day; and now I am in regular contact with only one person from college days (who is in fact now my best friend).  Some have come back into contact but have not stayed as we have nothing in common now, other than having been friends at school.

Now teenagers have Facebook and other networking sites which take no account of distance, they can keep in touch easily and with minimum effort, with tens (and in some cases hundreds) of school friends.   Will they stay 'friends' with them all because they never lose touch? or will friends naturally fall by the wayside in the same way? I imagine it will take longer than when one had to pick up a phone and pay for a call, or take the trouble to write and post a letter.

Putting things in perspective

I quite often find that the more other people panic about things, or get flustered or cross, or suffer from road rage, the calmer I feel.   I would have thought that heightened emotions would be catching, but with me it's the opposite.

I think the same is happening about the exam. Although I have been revising, I am not panicking. One of the girls in my group said that when she took an exam on another course this year, she tried to learn absolutely everything, got totally stressed and was in tears on exam day.  Her telling us that story reinforced for me the realisation that although I want to do well, it's not a life and death situation, and it's not worth getting that worked up about. Also, stress is not conducive to learning. So, the more friends on the course tell me they are worried about the exam, the less worried I seem to get.  Also, from my experience of assignments, the ones I think aren't that good and 'that'll do', get the best marks!

Today I sat myself half a mock exam first thing. I decided to try two essays from one of the past papers we have, 45 minutes per question. I did have a bit of a blank to start with but overall it was better than I thought. It pointed out to me a couple of weak points to work on too.

Logan

I was done at 10am, so I walked down (via the shop for biscuits) to see our good friends who are just starting up a cherry orchard down the road. After a coffee break and a play with their dog, I offered to help them put some netting up over the cherry trees, the kind of job where an extra pair of hands always comes in handy.

I really enjoyed it, and while we were doing it I thought 'you know what, I really don't care a bit about the exam right now - what will be will be'.   I didn't get home until 3pm, and it was 5 hours well spent.

I will do some more revising now, but I feel as though everything is in perspective.

What type of friend are you?

A friend of mine said something today which made me think - she said she'd been deleting all the really unpleasant people she knows from her Facebook friends.

Well that begs so many questions, but mainly....  firstly if they are unpleasant why were you friends in the first place?   or maybe they were just 'acquaintance' friends, we all have some of those.  Secondly, are they really unpleasant or have they just said one thing you don't like?   Thirdly, isn't 'unpleasant friend' rather an oxymoron?

The verocity with which she said it shocked me rather, although it probably shouldn't (knowing the individual concerned).     I commented that I didn't think I had any really unpleasant friends, to which she replied that unfortunately she does.  This I must admit I took with rather a large pinch of salt as her friendships seem to run hot and cold all the time. Please excuse the mixed metaphors.

This is what I got when I searched Google Images for 'unpleasant friends'.  Hmm I guess they don't turn up with one of these in their pocket?

I can count the number of close friends I have on one hand - the ones I could turn to in a crisis.  Of course I have many more that number of casual friends and acquaintances but maybe I just don't get involved enough with them to find out if they are really unpleasant or not.  A bit like not finding out your partner's worst habits until you live with them.

The most I have to complain about is irritating friends - the ones who always seem to be negative, or mushy, or overly opinionated.  But that isn't the same as being unpleasant.

That then got me thinking about how much we attract different types of people as our friends. How much of whether they are 'pleasant' or not is to do with them, and how much is to do with what we expect of them which they don't or can't live up to?  Or, they expect things of us which we don't or can't live up to?  Either of those situations can cause bad feelings to build up, or just explode one day.

Or does what one person considers 'unpleasant' differ from another's?  Undoubtedly but I'd have thought we all agree if a person was generally nasty.

My final thought was that sometimes you have to keep certain friends slightly at arm's length. Get too enmeshed with them and you might find yourself saying the wrong thing one day, and being deleted because you're unpleasant.

Mix and match

I'm working at home this morning and have taken the afternoon off, I've run out of steam this week.   Other than one evening when I forced myself to watch some comedy on iPlayer, I've been in the office all day and then studying most of the evening. 

Yesterday's staff 'workshop' and discussion day went well and we got lots out of it, but our agenda was a little optimistic so we'll finish it off on Monday.    I also got my TMA03 mark back from my tutor, 76% which I was pleased with. Very consistent with my first two marks!  I am determined to get it higher in the one I am writing at the moment so last night I went through all the feedback I had, and made some notes.  Now I'm ripping my 2nd draft apart.... but we also have a tutorial tomorrow so no doubt that will throw some more spanners in the works.

Today's gratuitous photo is me, standing on one leg!!!  I suddenly discovered I could do this yesterday morning, without having to have a supportive hand on something, as I have done.  It's strange how things seem to change all of a sudden.

This afternoon I'm going to the picture framer's.   Many years ago I inherited a glass-fronted bookcase from my paternal grandfather. It's in 3 sections which sit on top of each other, and has hinged 'up and over' glass front on each section.   My grandfather was also an artist and when my parents were visiting his widow recently she gave them a small painting he'd done which includes the bookcase. She wanted whoever had the bookcase to have the painting, and she will pay for it to be reframed which it needs. 

So this afternoon I'm going off to get that sorted out, I've been recommended one not far away.   A friend used to do it locally and was great, she is an artist and has a great eye so knew exactly what would look good. A few years ago she sold her business and the chap who took it over just did what you asked for, was no good for suggesting what would suit the picture.  So I was stuck, but our friend recommended this lady, so fingers crossed!

Waiting

Between us, Mr H and I seem to have spent the last month WAITING.

Waiting for the job advert to come out.
Waiting to catch a flight to Scotland (or home).
Waiting to hear if he got an interview (yes).
Waiting for my friend to be 12 weeks pregnant so it's not a secret any more (yesterday)
Waiting for the interview (end of next week)
Waiting for my latest OU assignment mark (aagghh soon, please!)
Waiting for an appointment to see a specialist (for the insurance).

"Waiting" sugggests inactivity but don't worry, we're doing things while we wait ;-)  

Why is it such hard work?

I have told the friend that I wish she'd told me she was annoyed, rather than being passive-aggressive via Facebook. Well I didn't actually mention the passive-aggressive part, but that's what it is.  Which brings me on to a different subject - people who hold grudges.

I am not a grudge-holder.  If something goes wrong in a friendship or work relationship (or even worse those that involve both), I just want to get it sorted out and move on.  I can't stand festering atmospheres or ongoing sulks.  In general I just want to get on with people, and if it gets to the point where I simply can't get on with them, then I just stay away from them as much as possible. 

If someone gets the hump with me for some minor reason, I just want to say "What? what is the matter?  What have I done this time? Let's sort this out, now!"   But, some people enjoy holding grudges and having the hump, and sulking, and not talking to people for days/weeks/months.   They'll say things like "how can you just brush that off like that?"  Because life's too short to waste on it, that's why.  

We're all human, we make mistakes. We say the wrong thing at the wrong time, or we don't say the right thing at the right time, because maybe we're thinking about something else or there's a crisis going on which is taking up all our thinking space. To that other person it is huge thing, while you don't even realise you have done/not done it.  You are thoughtless and heartless not to have made that first thing on your mind.  And even if you've already said 'thank you' or 'congratulations' or 'sorry' you still have to say it or mention it for the next 5 times you meet them, otherwise you are rude and back on the Hump list.

And because I hate the brewing atmosphere I end up being the one to apologise, which I'm sure labels me the one who is perpetually in the wrong, even if the problem is them getting things totally out of proportion.

I thought friendship was supposed to be pleasurable and relaxing, but sometimes it can be really hard work.